Adderall Versus Nothing at All (Maybe): 5 Things to Watch for in Tuesday’s Presidential Debate

Illustration for article titled Adderall Versus Nothing at All (Maybe): 5 Things to Watch for in Tuesday’s Presidential Debate
Photo: SAUL LOEB (Getty Images)

Two old white men fighting in a Walmart parking lot is what we can expect at Tuesday night’s presidential debate and I can’t tell you how hype I am for this fucking debate!

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Live footage of Trump and Biden pre-debate:

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First, if you are an undecided voter, I want you to walk out of your house, walk into a large cornfield and disappear. Trust me, it’s easier this way. Here is what it boils down to: You are either a homophobe or you’re not. You are either a racist or you aren’t. You agree with children being locked in cages or you are a human. You are either voting for a psychopath who will beat a puppy to death with a hammer or…

Managing Editor Genetta Adams: Stephen, I think they get it.

There are really only two types of people; those of us who already know which way we are voting and are merely watching the debate for the fireworks, and undecided voters who can move to Serbia for all I fucking care.

Seriously, in the most divisive and destructive presidency in the history of America, there are still people who need to hear Trump’s healthcare policy or his thoughts on race relations in this country before they can decide who to vote for?

Fuck those people.

Here are five things to watch for during Tuesday’s Cleveland debate:

1. Joe Biden Is Going to Try and Fight Trump

This is a gimme. I feel like in a normal year, a fight between two presidential hopefuls would be huge news. Yuge. But it’s 2020 and I think anything short of a witch flying on the roof of a Prius and eating a live dolphin, nothing will surprise us. But here is what we know: We know that Robinette doesn’t deal well with fuckshit. He’s already threatened to take Trump behind a gym because old white men love gyms and bleachers and they love taking people behind them. Biden’s already told a voter he was full of shit and then threatened to fight him. And he’s still out here bragging about fighting some Black guy named Corn Pop, so it’s not like Biden isn’t with the smoke. He wants all of it.

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And we also know that Trump is mad disrespectful. He prides himself on saying the most insane shit he can think of and never being challenged on it. Expect decorum and civility to be out of the window as soon as these two hit the stage. Biden mustn’t take Trump’s bait, which we all know he’s going to throw as he doesn’t have a debate style or strategy other than being an asshole. Biden will lose the battle of digs as Democrats love to be the party of decorum, which drives me fucking nuts. Hopefully, Biden walks to the mic and let’s Trump know off the top that if he says anything about his son or his family, it’s going to take a nasty turn. Also, if Biden shows up with a gym we already know that he’s going to take Trump behind it.

2. Chris Wallace

This debate is going to find the rails so that it can immediately go off of them so it will be interesting to see how the Fox News anchor will control these two old ass animals from ripping each other’s heart monitors off. At some point, Wallace may have to call security onto the stage to keep Biden and Trump from turning the debate stage into a Jerry Springer set.

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3. Drugs vs. Possible Drugs

I normally wouldn’t even jump into this messy drug debate but Trump’s been pushing for pre-debate drug tests as he and his camp are positive that Biden is doping. Personally, I think Trump’s concerned that Biden has been juicing and is worried about getting hit with a steroid punch. But as early as Monday morning, Trump was already tweeting about Biden not agreeing to being drug tested.

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“Joe Biden just announced that he will not agree to a Drug Test. Gee, I wonder why?” Trump tweeted. Biden didn’t directly refuse to be tested but his camp has told Trump to GTFOHWTB.

Actually, Biden’s camp told Trump: Urine trouble big trouble with your pissy ass!

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“Vice President Biden intends to deliver his debate answers in words. If the president thinks his best case is made in urine he can have at it,” Kate Bedingfield, Biden’s deputy campaign manager, said in a Sunday statement to Politico. “We’d expect nothing less from Donald Trump, who pissed away the chance to protect the lives of 200K Americans when he didn’t make a plan to stop COVID-19.”

Boom!

It’s also been widely speculated that Trump has an addiction to Adderall, and while I’m no doctor, I do recognize that Trump has several of the symptoms of an Adderall addict. From the website Addiction Center, the telltale signs of Adderall addiction include: “Being overly talkative; Incomplete thoughts, and financial troubles,” and nothing says Trump like “being overly talkative, incomplete thoughts, and financial troubles.” Trump is currently looking at selling the Kennedy Center to Russia to pay down some of his over $400,000,000 in debt.

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Be on the lookout for Trump’s sniffles and word slurring.

4. Gaffe Fest

And all of this talk of drugs leads right to the next most awesome thing to look for as this is going to be an amazing showcase of made-up statements, mistakes, fake words and mispronunciations. This might be the Gaffe Olympics, and I feel sorriest for media fact-checkers who’ve got to try and make sense of what we all know is going to be a fucking mess.

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5. Support Devices

And I’m not talking about Trump’s adult undergarments (hiyoooo!) but, and I wish I was making this up, Trump’s campaign wants to have a third party examine Biden’s ears for electronic devices before the debate.

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Told y’all this is must-see TV!

The debate begins at 9 p.m. ET.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

amessagetorudy
BedandBreakfastMan

1. Trump would never agree to a drug test that Involved someone unbiased verifying that It was actually HIS piss or HIS spit that was being tested. It would all happen behind his wall - his doctors, his lab testing It, his Stephen Miller holding the piss jar.

AND...

2. You know his piss would be the most spectacular piss. “The president’s piss Is, quite frankly, the most amazing piss I’ve ever had the honor of examining. It was gold, of course, and had the aroma of sandalwood and KFC. Really, the most fabulous piss ever. It was the piss of 30 year old man, quite frankly, which Is truly astounding. And It’s now for sale at trump.com...”