According to Forbes' Calculations, I'm the Next Self-Made Billionaire,' Not Kylie Jenner

Illustration for article titled According to Forbes' Calculations, I'm the Next Self-Made Billionaire,' Not Kylie Jenner
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Although many people found it curious when Forbes magazine referred to Kylie Jenner as the woman on-deck to become the youngest ever “self-made billionaire,” I found the claim to be 100 percent believable. Because, after reviewing every possible method of Forbe’s valuation, I determined that I, too, am worth $899 million.


Others, including comedian and actress Francesca Ramsey, took issue with the “self-made” part, noting that Kylie is as much a “self-made” multi-millionaire as two slices of bread and a piece of stale bologna is a “self-made” sandwich. CNN points out that Kylie was born into a rich family and was raised by millionaires like a certain orange, despotic president we all know.

Fewer people, like myself, question the actual validity of the assertion that Jenner is actually worth $900 million. So I decided to look at how Forbes’ came to that conclusion.

Forbes explains the methodology for their rankings this way:

To compile net worths, we valued individuals’ assets, including the value of stakes in public companies using stock prices from June 22. We valued private companies by consulting with outside experts and conservatively comparing them with public companies ... We attempted to vet these numbers with all list entrants. Some cooperated; others didn’t. We consider any person who built her own fortune, and didn’t inherit the money, to be self-made.

The magazine alleges that Kylie is “conservatively worth $900 million,” noting that she owns 100 percent of the company that generated most of her wealth, Kylie Cosmetics.

It is easy to evaluate the worth of a public company from the value of stocks and assets. But because Kylie Cosmetics is a private company, it’s more difficult. However, there are a number of ways to verify a company or a person’s net worth.


The first way is easy, a person gives you their tax returns and a balance sheet, and lets you see all of their financial details. Let’s be clear—there’s no way that Kylie or any person would allow Forbes to do that.

The magazine doesn’t even state that it does that. Instead, they used another method. Forbes says it consults with outside experts and compares them with private companies.


Forbes values Kylie Cosmetics at $800 million based on sales of $330 million in 2017. By comparison, last year, Avon Products generated $5.7 billion in revenue, but somehow using actual real-world math, the company is only valued at $1.5 billion. Furthermore, Avon manufactures many of its own products, while Kylie Cosmetics’ products are basically more expensive, rebranded products from Seed Beauty, which may or may not manufacture the products themselves.

So even if Kylie negotiated the best profit margin in the history of companies, it is hard for anyone with a logical business mind to believe that—after expenses—Kylie Cosmetics even made $100 million in profit. Avon’s profit on $5.7 billion in sales was $273 million dollars.


But Kylie Cosmetics is worth $800 million? How Sway?

While this all seems like one of the public relations moves for which the Kardashians are known, I think of it another way: That means I’m a billionaire!


Last year, I sold a used treadmill on Craigslist for $100. I also brought in a few dollars from The Root and from outside projects. Using Forbes’ math, I have a thriving exercise empire conservatively worth $250 million dollars. All I need to do is sell 2.5 million more treadmills and I’m there!

I know part of Kylie Cosmetics’ valuation includes the fact that her last name is Jenner. But my first name is Michael. Like Jordan. Like Jackson. Like -angelo (Not the artist, the Mutant Ninja Turtle, who has also been rich since he was a teenager).


Plus, imagine if I wrote for 1,000 online outlets. I’d easily make more money than Kylie. Not to mention this book I’m writing. Once it sells 100 million copies, with Forbes 20 percent discount, it’s easy to see how I’m going to have to lend Oprah a few dollars by next year.

That’s probably why Capital One keeps hounding me about applying for a credit card. I’m sure my Black Card is on its way. Not the “black card” but the Black Card. The one they give white people.


As a billionaire, I don’t even know why I’m even talking to you broke motherfuckers. Kylie, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Bill Gates are all probably calling to invite me to a dinner party and Illuminati interest meetings as I type this. We are all in the same tax bracket and I didn’t even have to make a Pepsi commercial.

I don’t even know how you peasants do it. I pray for your prosperity ...


World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


Yesha Callahan

Just as long as we’re sharing these billions of yours.