"A Six-Foot-Long Hefty Bag Full Of Wet Farts And Dog Nipples" And 20 More Things Bill O'Reilly Looks Like

(Brad Barket/Getty Images for National Geographic Channel)
(Brad Barket/Getty Images for National Geographic Channel)

Bill O'Reilly apparently thinks Maxine Waters looks like James Brown. Here are some things I think Bill O'Reilly looks like.


1. Bill O'Reilly, but if Bill O'Reilly actually died 20 years ago and no one's gathered the nerve to tell him yet

2. The face people in horror movies make when the alien hidden inside of them is eating their spleen

3. The guy who'd somehow survive the zombie apocalypse because the zombies would roll up to him, look at his face, say "nah," and keep it moving

4. The guy in a Steven Seagal movie who's revealed in a flashback to be the guy who framed Seagal for a murder. Now Seagal's out of prison, that guy is the Governor now, and Seagal's Out For Justice.

5. The third stage of late-onset elderly syphilis

6. A bag of money. Not real money, though, but Monopoly money used as toilet paper at Philadelphia International Airport


7. A live chicken dressed as a dead human for Halloween

8. A flaccid albino walrus's penis

9. The walrus-sized condom the albino walrus used moments before, when having sex, because the walrus read a pamphlet about animal STDs and is making better choices now


10. The guy on the cruise ship who's always naked in the fucking whirlpool and you never actually get in the whirlpool because this guy, somehow, is always in it (I hate that fucking guy)

11. The hazmat team guy who didn't seal his hazmat suit completely and now he's FUCKED


12. A grown-ass Garbage Pail Kid ("Barfy McShitTits")

13. A Catholic priest who's been moved from parish to parish for the same very suspicious reasons


14. The guy who invented that thing that happens when you think you're going to sneeze but you don't

15. The bad banana you don't want to eat but you're not going to throw it away because they're organic and expensive so you decide to use it for a smoothie or something


16. The initial lead actor in the first ever television ads for CIALIS until they focus grouped it and found a replacement after realizing no one would believe he was having sex

17. A corrupt banker who's arrested, taken to trial, found guilty, and shoots himself in the head before going to prison, only the bullet doesn't kill him and he's left with that face forever


18. Frankenstein with bulimia

19. The guy who saved your life because seeing his wretched and pale face on the train yesterday morning made you think "you know, I should get that stomachache checked out" and you went to the doctor and discovered you had lyme disease


20. A patient that would perplex the hell out of House

21. The teacher who get his ass kicked in the first 10 minutes in a movie about a really bad school in the hood


22. The guy gripping dozens of packs of socks and sneering "As long as I draw breath from this body, coloreds will never wear socks!" in every movie trailer about brave Black people who weren't allowed to wear socks in the 1950s



"10. The guy on the cruise ship who’s always naked in the fucking whirlpool and you never actually get in the whirlpool because this guy, somehow, is always in it (I hate that fucking guy)"

I've never been on a cruise, but that guy is also the YT guy in the locker room at the gym who air dries nekkit as a jaybird and has to hold a whole conversation with you, then he gets dressed from the top down. All you (try not to) see out the corner of your eye are a shirt, a tie, and pasty balls.