0:08: The first shot you see is one of KOCO-TV morning anchors Alex Housden and Jason Hackett seated next to each other, with approximately six inches of space separating them. Housden looks frantic and harried like she just completed a seance for a whiteness Voltron that hasnโt yet arrived. Hackett looks like heโs waiting for some bullshit.
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0:12: The waterfalls start to almost fall as Housden begins her apology to both Hackett and their โentire community.โ Weโre left to wonder which community sheโs referring to. Are Housden and Hackett neighbors? Roommates? Frequent attendees of Furries conventions? WHICH COMMUNITY IS THAT WHICH YOU SPEAK OF, ALEX?Also, Hackett now looks like the bullshit he was waiting for has finally arrived, but itโs not quite the bullshit he ordered. Like he asked for the bullshit medium-well, but they gave it to him well done. Heโs not mad or anything about it, but heโs still trying to decide whether to send it back.
0:32: Housden digs deeper into her sad white woman war chest, and inches closer to him while touching his arm, peering directly into his eyes and telling him she loves himโa tactic known in the industry as โThe Triple Play.โ The only thing missing is Housden sharing a story about โJamal,โ her โbeautiful and brilliantโ study partner from the first semester of her junior yearโa tactic known in the industry as โThe Lena Dunham.โ
0:50: Housden concludes her apology, and this is when things get weird. โJamalโ Hackett finally speaks, letting Housden know he forgives her, and he does this while putting his hand on Housdenโs exposed knee and lower thigh ... and just keeping it there. And not just a touch, but a whole ass grip.
What is happening on the set of KOCO-TV?
1:24: As Hackett continues, sharing how this co-worker heโs known for 18 monthsโthe same person who just compared him to a gorilla on live TV like, 10 minutes agoโis one of his best friends, I canโt help but wonder why the fuck heโs even there. I mean, I get it, for opticsโ sake, for Housden to apologize on camera to Hackett. But now weโre just left with this awkward black man awkwardly attempting to explain the context of racism in America while awkwardly avoiding necessary terms like โDarth Becky,โ and โracist motherfucker,โ and โI cut my beard off and bought these church suits for this shit?โ
And remember, this is the same man who, when said co-worker said he looked like a gorilla, agreed. Maybe Jason Jamal Hackett just ainโt got the range for nuanced public dissertations on race. Which is fine! Everyone canโt be Steph Curry! Some of yโall just need to rebound and shoot layups. THERE ARE LANES FOR EVERYONE. JUST STAY IN YOURS, JASON JAMAL!
2:00: Jason Jamal is still going. And now heโs asking us to โreplace words with love.โ Which confuses me because does he mean we should stop speaking? Or perhaps make โloveโ the only word in the English language? Does he realize โloveโ is very literally a word too? Does Jason Jamal think racism will be solved if we all just became Groot?
2:28: This nigga just said out of his mouth that we need to use words to โbuild a more perfect union.โ Iโm not cynical enough to believe that Jason Jamalโs positioning himself for a political future, but...actually, I lied. Iโm exactly that cynical. Jason Jamal Hackett for 2024!
Also, related, Alex Housden is still sitting there, and the intensity of her gaze at him is making me uncomfortable. Is it possible to be white-guilted into a marriage proposal?
2:35: Jason Jamal concludes his speech with a slight smile on his face, perhaps because heโs realizing in real-time that this gorilla thing is the best thing thatโs ever happened to his career (and his love life).
You could almost feel him calculating more contrived stories they can coverโa watermelon-eating contest, perhapsโjust so Housden could gaffe again (โBoy, the winner of that contest sure has a watermelon grin, just like yours, Jason!โ) and he could parlay it into more national coverage and bare knee touches.
Jason Jamal Hackett for 2024!
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