A Spoiler-Free Review of Black Panther With No Plot Points or Facts in Roughly 250 Words

Chadwick Boseman (Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for Disney)
Chadwick Boseman (Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for Disney)

I had the opportunity to see Black Panther on Tuesday afternoon. If you’ll remember, I don’t know shit about Black Panther. That all changed on Tuesday. I still don’t know as much as most folks who got backstories and histories, but now I know more. With this newfound knowledge and my excitement in tow, I decided to review Black Panther for you without sharing a single plot point, fact from the movie or any useful thing that might potentially ruin the movie for you ... in about 250 words. K?


Here’s my spoiler-free review with no plot points or facts:

Yooooooo. Wow. That looks like that building the homie lived in during college. We didn’t die there, thankfully. My nigga Sterling K. Brown! Is that buddy from that movie we all forget exists? I wish I had my phone to check but they took it at the door. OMG! That’s so beautiful. Bruh ... LUPITA LUPITA LUPITA LUPITA LUPITA. Bruh. DANAI DANAI DANAI DANAI DANAI.

Seriously, if white people want us out of America, they need to make Wakanda happen; we’d all go. Well, not everybody—Ben Carson, Herman Cain and Omarosa would stay. Wakanda might as well be the cookout. These visuals are stunning. LUPITA LUPITA LUPITA. I cannot wipe this smile off my face. I’ve been smiling for an hour. LUPITA LUPITA LUPITA. DANAI DANAI DANAI. MAMA NOOOOOOOO. MAMASAY MAMA SA MA MA COOSA. Shit, I did that involuntarily up in the theater.

Dog, I hope this movie never ends. Like, they should give all black folks the password to the protected four-hour version I read about. Man, this nigga is CUH-RAZY. You know, there are several eye-strong folks in this movie. WOOOOOOOOOW MORE WOOOOOOOW. Don’t you dare! Oh shit, you dared! OK, wow that sun looks beautiful. We’re the black gold of the sun. I miss Minnie Riperton. These niggas really let the movie end? OK I see you. Rude as fuck. LUPITA LUPITA LUPITA. MAN, I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN FOREVER. I could watch this on an infinite loop of blackness everyday.


It’s good. I enjoyed it.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.


King Beauregard

“I miss Minnie Riperton.”

Her daughter is Maya Rudolph, I don’t know if you knew that. Minnie even mentions Maya at one point in that song.

So, did they discuss the differences between Wakandan vibranium and Savage Land vibranium (a.k.a. Antarctic vibranium)? Yes I am exactly that nerdy, that’s the sort of detail that matters to me somehow.