Mattel's Little Mommy Cuddle N Coo

I don't know if it's the fighting in Gaza, or the possibility of Islamic children terrorizing airliners, or maybe it's just a general mistrust of anything that looks, speaks or burps like a Middle Easterner, but now baby dolls are being pulled from store shelves for fear of Islamic takeover.  Over the holiday season church members from Massachussets were Walmart-shopping for "needy" children and discovered a black Little Mommy Cuddle N Coo doll and were elated.  Cut to:  Little Miss Cuddle N Coo opens its mouth and says "Islam Is The Light."  Cut to:  Chaos in the American suburbs as frantic mothers throw all of the black Cuddle N Coos into a heap and burn them like the Witches of Salem, or even more recently, like the suspected conjurer in Papua New Guinea.  Cut to:  Walmart routinely pulling those plastic terrorists from the shelves to appease frantic and concerned Americans.  I know, I know, I'm being cheeky, but come on, Little Mommy Cuddle N Coo is Islam's first step toward a worldwide religious coup?  Not.

Mattel is denying the doll says anything, but Mommy.  But I listened to the video and, without a doubt, Little Miss plastic-headed Cuddle is definitely saying "Islam Is The Light".  So maybe some Mattel worker, most likely a Muslim, decided he'd let America know that Jesus isn't the only light, Islam offers some divine guidance, too, and little girls [or boys] should be aware of that.  Or maybe some faux anarchist-slash-audio engineer decided to prank America with something controversial, you know, so he could have something to sit back and laugh about while watching Mad Men.  Or maybe… and I hate to say it… maybe we should recall all bottled water… it could be infused with Islamic minerals, and by morning, heaven help us, we could be making plans for our annual trek to Mecca.  It's pretty obvious:  I think this is all rather funny.

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Keith Josef Adkins is an award-winning playwright, screenwriter and social commentator.