A List of Things Personally Threatened By Billy Porter's Red Carpet Gown

Illustration for article titled A List of Things Personally Threatened By Billy Porter's Red Carpet Gown
Photo: Frazer Harrison (Getty Images)

1. My sexuality (of course)

2. My blackness

3. My black male-ness

4. My fashion sense

5. My understanding of how gowns work

6. My relationship with my dad

7. My feelings about carpets

8. My feelings about the color red

9. My feelings about when things like “carpets” and “red” are in close proximity

10. My feelings about niggas who go by “Billy” instead of “Bill” or “Will” or “Willie” or “William”


11. My long-held theories about why “Willie” is usually spelled “Willie” instead of “Willy”

12. My confidence

13 The curriculum I planned on teaching my daughter

14. The way I feel when I hold my son

15. The way I feel when I hold a half pound of uncooked pepper bacon

16. They way I feel when I hold deez nuts

17. Deez nuts

18. My memories about that time in 2002 when I saw that cute girl at Lazarus downtown and I smiled kinda at her and she smiled kinda back and then I went to talk to her and she had this strange look on her face and I was kinda weirded out and then I looked back and realized she wasn’t smiling at me but at the rack of 40 percent off Kenneth Cole dress shirts I was standing next to

19. My Christianity

20. My long-cemented understanding of when its appropriate for niggas to use parsley

21. My understanding of America as a post-imperial triangulated oligarchy with pre-neoliberal sensibilities

22. My hairline

23. My long settled doubt that some niggas need salmonella poisoning

24. My feelings, generally, about Helen Mirren

25. My personal salvation

26. How I believe I sound when I sing “Gethsemane (I Only Want To Say) in the shower


27. My feelings, generally, about the harmlessness of colonoscopies

28. My feelings, generally, about the evil of colonoscopy prep

29. My belief that James Harden should be headed towards his third consecutive MVP


30. My belief that saying “Drats!’ in response to mildly disappointing news is more flavorful than “Aiight.”

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)


Pretty Terry

When this Black man put on a tuxedo dress, it caused my wife to leave me and my dog to run away. Also, I’m pretty sure that I’m gay now. Thanks Obama.