1. An in-ground swimming pool with a weatherproof tarp.
2. Her mouth.
3. The ESPYs as a special correspondent for C-SPAN.
4. A chicken breast with a generous helping of Old Bay.
5. Her shoulders with a sweater if she was out somewhere and it got a bit colder than she expected it to be because while I’m not a fan, I don’t want her to get pneumonia or something.
6. Me, if we were both Marines and we were in a war somewhere and I had to sprint into an open field to get a better position.
7. The spread (any).
8. Her feet with slippers if she were ever invited to my wife’s grandmother’s house, because she doesn’t like outside shoes on her carpet.
9. A futon with a plastic slip-on.
10. A special mayonnaise-recipe-only edition of Bon Appétit.
11. The front of the White House with the words “Black Lives Matter” in black graffiti, because I’d just like to see that happen, and I think it would be really cool.
12. Any U-God verses from Wu-Tang Forever.
13. Her iPhone with a sensible phone guard—because who doesn’t need a sensible phone guard?
14. Her guests with Off! if she invited them to a brunch on her deck but she has a bit of a mosquito problem.
15. A T-shirt with a blazer, because I’ve always appreciated that look and I feel like it’s underutilized.
16. My backyard with mulch.
17. Anything with mulch, really.
18. The bill if she were out somewhere with friends this weekend, because I think she can afford it.
19. My waffle with powdered sugar and some syrup if she happened to be working the waffle station at the Grand Concourse in Station Square this weekend.
20. Her own music, because meta.
21. This tattoo on my right arm of a skeleton key—which I’m tired of now—with a bigger and better tattoo (but only if she’s a talented tattoo artist).