A List of All the Times I Definitely Did Not Cry at All While Watching Inside Out

So Inside Out is a Pixar movie about a kid named Riley and mostly about the intersecting and competing emotions inside of her that exist like a control center in her brain and how all emotions—even the ones like sadness that we’d rather not have—have a symbiotic relationship. It was released in 2015 but I watched it for the first time last week because I have kids and Disney+ now and I had neither of those things five years ago because they didn’t exist yet (well, kids and shit existed, but mine didn’t yet). I don’t want to get too caught in the moment or myopic or irrational or disproportionately influenced by something I just watched again last night for the 10th time in a 200-hour span or whatever but it’s the best movie that’s ever existed.

Still, although Pixar movies are known for manipulating and tricking tear ducts into releasing spontaneous buckets of moisture from your eyes, that definitely did not happen to me at all while watching this. My eyes have never been drier. My eyes were so dry after watching this that I needed drops to shut them again. I even had to drive to Rite-Aid to buy some Visine, and the pharmacist noticed that I couldn’t close my dry-ass eyes and was like “What happened?” And I was like, “I just watched Inside Out, which dried the shit out of my eyes because I didn’t cry not one time whatsoever while watching it.” And then he was like, “Put your mask back on.”

Anyway, below is a list of the times I definitely did not cry at all while watching this movie.

1. When Riley got all sad on her first day of school while speaking to the class and remembering how she misses home.

My eyes were DAH (dry as hell).

2. When Bing Bong’s rocketship was pushed into the dump.

Try again.

3. When Bing Bong sacrificed himself so Joy could get out of the dump.

Nope.

4. When Bing Bong just withered away and died.

Nah.

5. When Sadness was holding the core memories and it took us through a montage of Riley and her parents just being a happy family and shit.

Nada wetness, yo.

6. When Riley just couldn’t take it anymore and broke down in front of her parents.

Fuck you.