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A List of All the Times I Definitely Did Not Cry at All While Watching Inside Out

So Inside Out is a Pixar movie about a kid named Riley and mostly about the intersecting and competing emotions inside of her that exist like a control center in her brain and how all emotionsโ€”even the ones like sadness that weโ€™d rather not haveโ€”have a symbiotic relationship. It was released in 2015 but I…

So Inside Out is a Pixar movie about a kid named Riley and mostly about the intersecting and competing emotions inside of her that exist like a control center in her brain and how all emotionsโ€”even the ones like sadness that weโ€™d rather not haveโ€”have a symbiotic relationship. It was released in 2015 but I watched it for the first time last week because I have kids and Disney+ now and I had neither of those things five years ago because they didnโ€™t exist yet (well, kids and shit existed, but mine didnโ€™t yet). I donโ€™t want to get too caught in the moment or myopic or irrational or disproportionately influenced by something I just watched again last night for the 10th time in a 200-hour span or whatever but itโ€™s the best movie thatโ€™s ever existed.

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Trump’s Tariffs Might Stick Around. What Should We Buy Now?
Trump’s Tariffs Might Stick Around. What Should We Buy Now?

Still, although Pixar movies are known for manipulating and tricking tear ducts into releasing spontaneous buckets of moisture from your eyes, that definitely did not happen to me at all while watching this. My eyes have never been drier. My eyes were so dry after watching this that I needed drops to shut them again. I even had to drive to Rite-Aid to buy some Visine, and the pharmacist noticed that I couldnโ€™t close my dry-ass eyes and was like โ€œWhat happened?โ€ And I was like, โ€œI just watched Inside Out, which dried the shit out of my eyes because I didnโ€™t cry not one time whatsoever while watching it.โ€ And then he was like, โ€œPut your mask back on.โ€

Anyway, below is a list of the times I definitely did not cry at all while watching this movie.

1. When Riley got all sad on her first day of school while speaking to the class and remembering how she misses home.

My eyes were DAH (dry as hell).

2. When Bing Bongโ€™s rocketship was pushed into the dump.

Try again.

3. When Bing Bong sacrificed himself so Joy could get out of the dump.

Nope.

4. When Bing Bong just withered away and died.

Nah.

5. When Sadness was holding the core memories and it took us through a montage of Riley and her parents just being a happy family and shit.

Nada wetness, yo.

6. When Riley just couldnโ€™t take it anymore and broke down in front of her parents.

Fuck you.

Straight From The Root

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