1. Some of you people are just nasty motherfuckers.
I’ve seen with my own two eyes SEVERAL people walk clean up out the public restroom without washing their hands. And it turns out that yelling, “SIR!!! SIR!!!” does not make people see the error in their ways. Whew chile, the ghetto. Do you think you nasty motherfuckers can just do your part and be global citizens for a month? Look, I want you to be good neighbors all the time, but right now, my G, it matters a whole lot. Fucking do better. Shit.
2. Washing your hands for 20 seconds is so much longer than it seems, even when singing songs to keep time.
I always wash my hands. I even wash my hands at 2am when I make a peepee run and nobody would notice if I didn’t because nobody is awake. I have integrity. I don’t know that I’ve always sang songs to ensure that I spent the appropriate amount of time washing my hands. Now that I am actively doing this, I’ve come to realize how long 20 seconds really is. Singing “The Thong Song” through a bridge and the hook seems to take forever. Not for nothing, singing “The Thong Song” in the men’s bathroom at Target elicits stares and does not elicit sing-a-longs. The more you know. Ding. I am teaching you education.
3. I cannot stop touching my face.
WHY IS THIS SO DAMNED HARD TO DO??????? Even when actively thinking about the fact that I can’t touch my face, I’m remembering to not do it AS I touch my face. It’s ridiculous how difficult this is to do.
4. Shit didn’t get real for a lot of folks until the NBA suspended the season.
I think a lot of black folks genuinely thought that COVID-19 was not a black folks problem. Then the NBA season gets suspended and a lot of folks were sitting on their couch thinking, “oh shit, if Lebron could possibly be in danger then the homie MookMook might be a walking poison pill.”
5. I thought when folks cleaned their homes before, they were using more than scripture, hopes and prayer.
The fact that entire ass Clorox shelves were cleaned out implies that some of you nasty motherfuckers didn’t have cleaning supplies before this. HOW SWAY? The one thing I probably always have too much of is cleaning supplies. Yet, here we are. Entire runs on cleaning supplies have been made by people for whom cleaning is something you obviously do with your mind. Oh, and Jesus. Jesus is callin’ y’all nasty, beeteedubs.
6. People wash their hands and bodies with maybe...I don’t know.
So, real talk, black folks we need to have a talk. I live in a pretty black area. In most places I’ve gone, all of the cleaning supplies have been wiped out which is odd because either you niggas are panicking and stress-buying or you all just don’t clean shit ever. See #5. But oddly, all of the personal body soaps and shit aren’t seeing a similar run. Hand sanitizer? Yep. Y’all gettin’ that but soaps and soap refills are plentiful at stores. We clown white folks for using their hands to clean themselves—this is still nasty, no doubt about it—but what are you folks putting ON the washcloths you use? I’m a soap hoarder in general. I never buy one thing of soaps, I buy like five things of soaps at a time. I’m just confused by folks purchasing.
7. Folks expect to utilize a lot of toilet paper during this pandemic.
Listen, I get it. When shit goes bad, you stock up. But again, I’ve been confused by the items that are being stocked up. Like, the stocking up of toilet paper would make me happy—it means that some of the nasty motherfuckers not washing their hands (see #1) are at least wiping their asses—except that nobody is out here buying soap (see #6) and just hand sanitizing IF they’re doing anything. How can you need all that toilet paper and not all that soap to go with it? I hate it here.
8. I really don’t trust any of you.
It’s not you, it’s me. (IMLYINGITOTALLYTHINKITSYOU)
Like, I see you on the social medias chastising other people’s hygiene but do I really know you do what you say you will? I do not. It’s best we just keep our social distance.
9. That whole, “If I die, I die” movement is cute until somebody dies on that wave.
No judgment, get those planet tickets and live your life. Just realize living your life does not happen in a vacuum. While you’re flying to Miami to get your life, Jimmy Crack Corn (IDC IDC IDC) is walking around with COVID-19 and he don’t even know it. I’d say Clorox everything but all that shit has been purchased by the nasty people who need it most. Dress in a bubble-wrap outfit like Missy used to do.