5 Things Trump Can Do to Piss Off TrumpPets

Scott Olson/Getty Images
Scott Olson/Getty Images

What if you could do anything you wanted? What if every time you heard something you didn’t like, you could punch the person who said it in the mouth? Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to say anything you wanted—even if it’s a lie—and have it manifest itself into reality?


You might be too civilized to pull down your pants, squat and drop a hot, steamy deuce whenever you got the bubble guts, but I bet it would be liberating. But of course there’s no one privileged enough, with the perfect combination of oblivious self-confidence, low intelligence and pettiness, to do whatever he desires whenever he wants to.

Except Donald Trump.

Since Trump hurdled the lowest bar possible by giving an adequately coherent speech to the joint session of Congress, it has been downhill ever since. The day after what many are calling “The Wipey Pole Address,” the New York Times reported that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had been in bed under the covers and on the phone every night with the Russian ambassador, whispering in his sexy voice, with slow jams playing in the background, and lied to the Senate about it.

A few minutes later, the Washington Post revealed that other Trump campaign surrogates also met with Russian officials. Throwing old fish grease on this dumpster fire of dumbasses, Trump woke up the next morning and tweeted that Barack Obama was personally snitching on him to the feds.

How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 4, 2017

To put it mildly, last week was more than a shitstorm for the Trump administration. It was a turd tornado; a cyclone of dookey. Between Trump accusing a former president of a felony, the new travel ban executive order and the Obamacare-repeal bill that Congress scrawled on a napkin minutes before the press conference, the past seven days have been everything we feared about a Trump presidency and more.

But apparently that’s OK.

While the mainstream media screams foul and people who pay attention are in the fetal position with thumbs in their mouths praying to dark-skinned, do-rag Jesus to keep us safe during the upcoming Trumpocalypse, apparently white America is nonplussed. Even though his approval ratings are historically low for a new president, we have previously cataloged how Captain Comb-Over’s base of undereducated white voters keeps him with a relatively high approval rating.


Tuesday’s USA Today/Suffolk University poll shows Trump with a 47 percent approval rating, while Rassmussen’s daily tracking poll has him at 49 percent among likely voters. If Trump ran tomorrow, he’d win, because 49 percent has been enough to win any presidential election in the last 20 years. To put that in context, President Obama’s approval rating averaged 47.9 percent during his time in office. Among his Republican base, Trump still enjoys a relatively high approval rating of 82 percent as of Friday morning.

So what could the Pumpkin Pol Pot do to garner the disapproval of his legion of TrumpPets? Although there isn’t much, we found five distinct things Trump could do that might possibly convince his constituency that he is a bad president.


1. Stomp a puppy to death on the third hour of the Today show. Kathy Lee and Hoda probably wouldn’t put down their wine glasses, but it would make for great television. Y.P. Pull can see refugees burst into flames from American bombs without batting an eye, or eat ice cream while watching the less fortunate lose their health care and disintegrate into a pile of festering boils on the floors of emergency rooms. But they love their pets.

It couldn’t be just any puppy. If he hurt a black dog, his acolytes would probably say that the dog was reaching for a gun hidden in its collar or ask why everyone was so upset when dog-on-dog crime is at an all-time high. If he kicked a cat, they might say the feline deserved it, pointing at the hordes of feral cats roaming the Chicago streets. It would have to be a fluffy white poodle or a purebred Persian.


2. Dishonor the sanctity and honor of the great white race. If Trump admitted, one time, that racism exists or that some white people might be a tiny bit prejudiced, this country would spiral into a vomit-filled snot cry because white people are catching hell in Trump’s America—hence the “silent majority.” Apparently white people have been enduring so much suffering these past few years, and no one even paid attention.

Even though whites who drop out of high school earn more than blacks with bachelor’s degrees, have a lower unemployment rate and get better schools, the oppressed white man is knotted up in a corner somewhere wondering when he’ll get his country back. If Trump called a school shooter a “radical Christian terrorist” or even insinuated that there was the possibility of the existence of this thing called “white privilege,” his approval would drop faster than Nicki Minaj at a Remy Ma concert.


3. Forget why Aryan CrossFit Jesus died on the cross. There is only one thing white America loves more than pets, mayonnaise and flip-flops: firearms.

There is an entire hidden section in the white version of the Bible between the Old Testament and the New Testament that speaks about how blond, blue-eyed Jesus (who is always ripped in the paintings) came down from the cross on Mount Calvary and handed his people the Second Amendment. It is a sacred thing, no matter how many children, soldiers, innocent adults or (especially) people of color are riddled with bullets. God wanted us to stay strapped, and Trump better not mess with the almighty’s decree.

4. Throw a baby into a paper shredder. Republicans love babies and will never stray away from their pro-life stance. By “pro-life,” though, we mean little, tiny, newborn entitled white babies. The sanctity of life doesn’t extend into adulthood. (See the argument for guns above, or the study released this week that shows blacks are seven times more likely to be wrongly convicted of murder.) The “Every life is precious” argument also excludes poor babies and black babies. According to TrumpPets, those infants don’t deserve health care, welfare or oven food stamps. Trump could rip the limbs off a brown baby on live TV and feed the carcass to ravenous wolves, and white people would say, “I wonder if fresh, dead babies will upset the puppies’ stomachs?”


5. Tell the truth. Because if there is one thing white Americans fear, it’s hearing the truth. They feel attacked when you point out the historical reality of inequality, oppression or statistical fact. They will refuse to believe anything that does not fit into their unmovable confirmation bias. Without evidence they will still believe that Hillary Clinton operates an underground sex ring in the basement of a pizza parlor, or illegal immigrants are casting ballots using the names of dead voters, but don’t want to see Trump’s tax records or hear about his insidious ties to Russia. If Trump told the truth, white America would ...

Oh, who are we kidding? That’s never going to happen.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


Obfuscatio: philosopher at large

Gonna have to disagree on #4.

If it was a fetus - viable or not - you’d be absolutely correct. Never mind that the mother (read: filthy slut) would have to go through the shredder, too.

A baby, though? Naw. That wee little non-taxpaying, future drug dealing, welfare receiving shit is on its fucking own.

Possible exception for white, blond(e), blue eyed spawn with a platinum spoon, golden potty, and 8-figure trust fund.