Smug is a funny word. It’s a word whose definition does it no real justice. But what is the definition? Glad you asked. Smug is an adjective that means having or showing an excessive pride in oneself or one’s achievements. You know the type, the folks who are super duper self-satisfied and feel superior in most moments.
There’s a reason why the word smug is usually followed by “son of a bitch” in its most common usage, followed closely by “bastard.” Sure, I have no proof of this, but Kyrie Irving isn’t sure if the world is round and he went to Duke for three months.
Proof is a state of mind.
Even with that definition, smug is one of those things you kind of have to see. Smug people get this look on their face once they’ve realized they believe they’re your better. It’s a dastardly half smile that creeps up, as if they’re about to enlighten you through condescension, patiently waiting to let you know that they are your superior.
Sometimes they just keep the look on their face and don’t say a word, walking into the world stepping over perceived peasants, one faux-victory at a time.
What types of people are smug? Here are five:
1. Bicyclists who think bikes are cars.
Washington, D.C., is ground-zero for smug-ass bicyclists who want to be respected like cars on major streets while ignoring the same rules cars have to follow and then getting pissed when they ALMOST get hit because they decide to whiz by me on my right side as I’m turning right after having indicated as much with my turn signal that they decided to ignore. They then look at me like I was a jackass in a car in a world full of bicycles. No, sir. While I envy your lack of parking issues, I do not envy your attitude.
2. People who walk slowly through crosswalks ... on purpose.
“Smug son of a bitch” was probably created for this group. You know them and I hope you are not them. They just saunter slitheringly, turning what should be an eight-second jaunt across the road into a 30-second stroll. They might as well pick up flowers while they’re at it. Shit is disgusting, B. Get across safely but don’t be a dick. But here they go, fucking up traffic, on purpose. A pox on you folks.
3. Folks who don’t eat at chain restaurants and like to let you know at every turn even though they totally eat at chains.
I had somebody recently tell me that Cheesecake Factory doesn’t count as a chain as they explained to me that they don’t do chains. I think that’s all I need to say about this.
4. People who never had to wear Chaps because they could afford Polo and/or Nautica.
I had Chaps. Thought I was doing something to until that first person looked at my shirt smiled smugly and told me Chaps stood for CHeap Ass Polo Shit. The only thing worse than that was Pontiac standing for Po’ Old Nigga Thinks It’s A Cadillac. It still hurts to think about it. Detroit can feel me on this one.
5. Folks who’ve been out of the country once talking to people who haven’t.
Oh, dear. Have you ever met a person who has only been to Tijuana talking to a person who hasn’t left the nation’s borders? If you’ve only been to Mexico to buy cheap drugs to attempt to sneak them across the border—and failed—you prolly shouldn’t view a person who was enthralled by Yosemite as uncultured. Just saying.
DISCUSSION
6. Folks who don’t watch television, and proudly proclaim that they don’t after you ask them if they’ve seen a certain show.
It’s like, my guy, I get that you’re uplifted and a “thinker” but you ain’t doing nothing special just because you don’t watch television....
Jesus Christ.