2017 has been a whirlwind for black beauty enthusiasts across the Diaspora. Rihanna came—ferociously—for all of our coins with the launch of Fenty Beauty. Flat-tummy teas were the rage of the year for Instagram celebrities. And we could not get enough of banana powder.
However, there are a few beauty trends in 2017 that should stay right where they are. In fact, we should tar and feather them. I would even be willing to leave them at the gates of hell if this would ensure that I’d never see them again. I’m counting down to a new year hopefully free of these trends:
We’ve all seen those perfectly round, plump backsides on our favorite A- through D-list celebrities. No need to name names; we know who they are. They perfectly fill out all of their dresses, but in a bikini or jeans, it’s a different—and bleak—story. We bore witness to spaghetti legs damn near snapping in half under the weight of these plentiful posteriors.
My prayer for 2018 is to bring balance and a proper ass-to-thigh ratio back to the game. Amen.
Whether they’re on a lace front or from your own glorious mane (insert hand claps), RETIRE THE BABY HAIRS. It’s called “baby hair” for a reason, baby. If you are over the age of 5, there’s no reason you should be channeling your inner Ginuwine with a toothbrush and edge control.
And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you have “baby hair,” your edges are probably struggling.
Brows are natural frames for the face. I’ve had a difficult time this year trying to figure out why sisters keep doing the most with their cejas. If it wasn’t the “ombre eyebrow”—or “hombre eyebrows,” as I like to call them—that faded at the inside of the bridge of the nose, it was a whole-ass lace front for your brows. Bruh. Ma’am. Chile. Huh?
Are we really putting somebody else’s hair on top of our brows? I absolutely understand; not everyone is blessed with a well-grown brow, but we have to do better. Microblade them or something. Ugh.
I L-O-V-E a good ole glistening highlight! Cheeks that serve glowing, dewy realness give me the feels every time. I partake in a lively glowfest when I apply makeup. But what I’m not finna do—yes, finna—is do that ill-placed gold dot on the tip of my nose made popular by Instagram makeup artists.
Makeup should look natural—or at least try. There is NOTHING NATURAL about a gold polka dot on your face that’s not blended into the skin. It literally sits atop the nose like luminescent doo-doo.
Highlighters, when used correctly, should cast a radiant shine onto the high points of the face when hit by natural light. Anything else is uncivilized. You cannot slay this way. I’m sorry to say.
And finally ... (Drumroll.)
We were bombarded by lips wearing teal, navy, green, gray, yellow, royal blue, aqua and a plethora of other Crayola colors [Editor’s note: See Fenty’s recent Mattemoiselle release]. Usually it was super-matchy and not very well executed. While I did see some some sisters rocking the hell out of these audacious/atrocious color palettes, for the most part, chicks just looked like they were ready to enjoy the finest Krabby Patty at the Krusty Krab in Bikini Bottom.
With 2018 quickly approaching, we need to start the year off right. So, until next time, remember: Friends don’t let friends leave the house looking crazy.