20 Things You Probably Do if You Were Raised Right

Some of you all are savages. I ain’t talking about your parents (or your mama, since that’s the stinger), but some of you weren’t raised right. I discover this fact almost daily.

This morning, I watched somebody who clearly wasn’t raised right put the lives of myself and at least 10 other people at risk at a gas station. Who cares if the likelihood of being blown to smithereens because a savage put gas in her car with the engine running is small? The possibility exists. There are YouTube clips and I’ve seen Zoolander several times. Shit happens, yo. That bumper sticker isn’t just cute—it’s real life, fam.

Now, some of you were clearly raised right. You never get the credit because you just live your life the right way. You are appreciated. You’re the equivalent of a student getting good grades; people only remember if you get an F. I got a D-plus once in college in my Differential Equations class. Do you think my parents noticed the A-plus in Econometrics? No.

But you know what? Tupac cares even if nobody else cares. I see you out here living your best life, making your parents look good. Here is a nondefinitive, nonexhaustive list of 20 things you probably do if you were raised right:

turn off your car when you get gas

wipe your feet before you walk in the house

wipe the seatie if you sprinkle when you tinkle

put the toilet seat down after tinkling

rinse your dishes off when you put them in the sink

don’t double park and ruin two parking spaces

throw your trash in the trash can and if you miss playing trashketball, you always pick up your trash and put it in

don’t litter

don’t leave the piss-me-off amount of orange juice/Kool-Aid/soda/milk/libation

recycle when it’s an option

leave a bathroom toilet stall between yourself and the person already in a stall when possible

wash your hands when you finish using the restroom

wash the dishes you used when staying at somebody else’s house for free

tip at appropriate times

properly dispose of condoms and condom wrappers

don’t buy Play-Doh (or toys that make noise or make messes for kids who aren’t yours)

attempt to write legibly when other people have to read something you literally wrote

give up your seat for the elderly

hold doors open for people walking right behind you

acknowledge folks who let you in front of them in traffic with a quick hand wave of appreciation