Because I believe that many of America’s Great Value-brand people harbor an innate fear of African Americans, I am perfectly aware that white people calling the cops on black people isn’t a new trend. I do, however, believe that it is time for black people to reclaim our reluctance toward dialing 911 by repaying these cop-callers whenever we are made to feel uncomfortable in situations where we feel attacked by people who believe parsley is a perfectly fine standalone seasoning.
As such, I have compiled a list of white people who might cause the average black person to solicit assistance from someone in the hardworking law enforcement community.
1. Overly nice white people
Despite what you may think, I believe we should treat everyone with dignity and respect. But some white people are so nice I begin to suspect they are up to something. For instance, even though I had seen this scenario in countless movies, my spidey senses began tingling when my white neighbors actually showed up to my door with cookies a few days after I moved in.
They were probably trying to kill me with an odorless, tasteless poison that suspiciously smelled like chocolate chips. But I foiled their plan because I was pretty sure the powdered sugar was really anthrax, so I just threw them in the garbage. But next time, I’m going to call poison control and have them tested for toxins.
Nah, they probably have a hookup down at the cookie-testing lab. Until I see a black Keebler elf, I’m going to assume they’re all in it together.
I don’t have dreadlocks or an afro but I shave my head, which is even worse. If you think it’s bad when white people want to touch your hair, imagine what it feels like when people assume they can rub their clammy Caucasian hands on your bare head.
I will no longer let this shit slide because it’s technically assault.
3. White people in black neighborhoods
One of the tactics that might delay gentrification is to start calling the cops whenever you see a white sauntering through a majority-black neighborhood. Those people are usually on reconnaissance missions for the Gentrification Squad. Imagine what Brooklyn would be like today if someone had notified the authorities the first time they saw someone walking through Bed-Stuy with a Starbucks and a loaf of Panera Bread.
I will admit that I have never been inside a Panera Bread, but I assume they just sell toast.
4. White allies
Just to show them how it feels and see if they’ll spread the word.
5. White people in aisles
Have you ever noticed how some people will stand in the middle of the mayonnaise aisle and pretend they don’t even see you with your grocery cart trying to get to the hot sauce? Either white people don’t have good peripheral vision, or they have a secret plan to colonize all aisles because they will also stand in front of the only empty parking space and dig through their purse to find their keys.
And don’t get me started on the privileged people who will take 14 items in the 10-item or less line and then write a check. I don’t have my detective license, but I have seen enough episodes of Snapped to know that anyone writing a check in 2018 has more than likely killed their stepmother and is using the deceased’s bank account while the body decomposes in a wooded area off State Highway 69.
The police should know about this.
6. Future mass shooters
I believe federal agents should investigate any white person under 30 years old who owns a trenchcoat because they’re either going to shoot up a school, they are sexual perverts or they have very bad taste in fashion. And if the trenchcoat is black, the authorities should just go ahead and arrest them. Also, any white male with close-cropped hair and wraparound glasses should be kept under constant surveillance.
The same goes for any Caucasian who still uses message boards. Whenever someone goes on a shooting spree, the cops always find cryptic messages left on message boards. In the year of our Lord and Savior Maxine Waters, who still uses message boards besides mass shooters? If you’re white, you should have a 3-post-per-month limit on Reddit. After that, someone should intervene.
7. White kids who disrespect their parents in public
We all have seen little Ashley yelling to her mom: “You don’t know shit, Karen!” White kids who call their parents by their first name and act out in public should have to answer for their crimes because you know they don’t make up their beds or clean their rooms, which means the mom is never going to find the pipe bomb under little Connor’s bed...
Until I call Homeland Security on his ass.
8. Lena Dunham and Post Malone
They just make me feel uncomfortable.
9. Barefoot white people
There is no place filthy enough to make a white person keep their shoes on. They will waltz into Wal-Mart or stand on the carpet in the airport without a care in the world, which contributes to the international public health hazard called the “heebie-jeebies.”
That crusty black stuff on the bottom of white people’s feet disturbs me and I shouldn’t have to be triggered every time I go to Panera bread to buy a whole wheat kale toast sandwich.
10. Suspicious-looking white people
Including: White people who dance at places where no one else is dancing, store clerks who ask more than once if I need any help, anyone who plays hacky-sack, that one white dude in shorts and a golf shirt at every black nightclub, white people who stay on the elevator even after it reached the bottom floor, Tucker Carlson, anyone eating by themselves at a Chinese buffet, white women who adopt black children and carry the adopted kids in their arms until they’re 14, Waffle House employees, the one white person on every black choir on TV, white people who wear camouflage in cities, white people with dreadlocks, and whoever told Taylor Swift that remaking “September” was a good idea.