10 Surefire Ways To Catch The Black Man Of Your Dreams


As many of you know, VSB started off as a place where Panama and I volunteered our tongue-in-cheek observations about dating, relationships, and sex. Our content has evolved since then, but I still occasionally get asked by people (and by "people" I mean "women at game nights") to provide some dating and relationship-related insight, and most of it has something to do with how to find/catch/keep a man. I usually pass on answering those questions, because I don't want to disappoint people. And because they're usually asked by people standing in front of the food, and if I'm walking towards food I want food not questions.


Today, however, I want to offer some answers. How exactly can you catch the Black man of your dreams? Let's see!

1. Kidnap him

There's no better, more effective way to catch the man of your dreams than to see one walking down the street after a Kenny Latimore concert, sneak behind him, place a rag dipped in chloroform on his face, and kidnap him after he drops, unconscious, on the pavement.

2. Place a Hoverboard in front of him while he's not looking

Some men, like Wiz Khalifa, know how to operate and balance on one, so this won't be an effective strategy for all. But most don't, and once he takes one step on it and slips backwards, you can be there to catch him!

3. Hang out at airports late at night

Why? Because airports late at night often have janitors around doing the floors, and those floors get slippery. They try to warn people of the slippery floors with signs saying "Wet Floor" and "You Will Fall" and "If You Fall, I Will Laugh," but sometimes ambitious men — like the man of your dreams surely is — ignore the signs and walk through anyway. And, when they slip, I'm sure they would love to be caught by a lovely woman who's been sitting in the airport all day long waiting for this to happen.


4. Play coed flag football

You have to be athletic. And you need to have a rudimentary understanding of the rules of football defense, and the unique rules of your coed flag football game. But if you have all of those things, you'll be catching men left and right all afternoon long.


5. Play hide and go seek at work when no one's there but you two

But, instead of playing hide and go seek, wait until he goes into the supply closet to look for you, push him in there, and lock the door. Mission accomplished. Dream Black man caught. (And he has a job!)


6. Hang out with your dream Black man at his apartment after a long, stressful, day at work

Sit on the couch and watch Fear the Walking Dead on On Demand together. Don't skip through commercials, either. Watch the entire thing. If he's really tired, he might begin to nod off. And then he might even sleep for a minute or two. When this happens, say "Hey, are you sleep over there?" He'll probably say "No, just resting my eyes." But it's already done. You just caught him. Well, you caught him sleeping, but the context behind you catching him doesn't really matter. You caught him, so now he's caught.


7. Become a police officer

What better way to catch the Black man of your dreams then to get a job that requires you to catch Black men? (Some of whom are statistically likely to be dreamy.) They even give you handcuffs so they can't get away!


8. Build a dream machine

Possessing a machine that allows you to enter your own dreams and pull things out of your dreams to exist in reality would be a great way of literally catching the man of your dreams. Unfortunately, these do not exist yet, so you'll have to invent one.


9. Go to a wedding where a bunch of old-ass Ques also happen to be at

Ask the DJ to play "Atomic Dog," and then just run to the dance floor and wait for these old-ass Ques needing hip replacements and shit to start strolling in tuxedo shoes. And, when one of them falls — and one of them will fall — be there to catch him!


10. Leave your house, find a dreamy Black man on the street, and just start running after him

He's Black, so there's a good chance he'll start running away from you as soon as he sees you running towards him. But, if you're cute, he might slow down and let you catch him.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



Today is my birthday, so I'm just going to roll w/ #1 and give myself the gift of Idris Elba (a doppelgänger will suffice as well)…