“Staying alive” is probably my favorite hobby. It’s fun and exciting and exhilarating, and it literally keeps my heart rate up. And as a black man in America, a great and efficient way of finding time and space to partake in my favorite pastime is by avoiding unnecessary interactions with raccoons, undercooked chickens, shitty barbers, Ray Lewis and racist white people.
Unfortunately, it can sometimes be hard to distinguish regular ol’ white people from racists—especially when the racists leave their “MAGA” hats at home—so I have to take the information I’ve learned over three decades of interactions with them and profile the fuck out of them. Sometimes my stereotypes are wrong, sometimes they’re right, but as long as I can keep playing my favorite hobby, I don’t give a shit!
Anyway, there are actually quite a few seemingly race-neutral behaviors white people do that give me pause—items they might possess or things they might do that make me think, “Yeah, he might be a racist, so I’m just gonna assume he’s probably a racist. Because hobbies.” Below are my 10 favorites.
We discussed this already last month, but the number of American flags within a white person’s vicinity has a direct correlation to the number of times they’ve referred to Hardee’s as “nigger Burger King.”
Ironically, I love pickup trucks. I have daydreams about driving cross-country to Arizona with nothing but a Ford F-150, a pack of sandwiches and a faithful dog named Gander. With Gander by my side, we’d get into adventures, solve mysteries and drink whiskey with women named after geographical locations. I haven’t told my wife about this fantasy yet, but she might read this eventually. So, um, surprise!
I don’t know why (some) white people are so obsessed with camouflage. They still make up, like, 70 percent of the country. If they want to blend in so badly, they can just name themselves “Mike” and just ... get a job somewhere.
Look, I know dog lovers are generally good people, and usually better people than cat people. But if I check your Facebook or Twitter profile and your avatar is a dog, I’m, like, 60 percent certain you’ve trained that dog to bite darkies.
I’m not saying that everyone who hates the NBA is racist. But every racist definitely, absolutely hates the NBA.
YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ME, JAKE; I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE “HUNTING” POSSUM, BUT YOU’RE REALLY PRACTICING FOR A RACE WAR.
Irony strikes again, because the food—particularly the breakfast food—at Cracker Barrel is fucking awesome. I’d eat there every day if I had a way to burn off the 17,000 calories I’d gain doing it. Unfortunately, when I’m there, every white person in there automatically becomes Jeff Sessions in my head. Which is why I take my food to go.
I’ve never seen a minute of that show, but I do see a lot of white men and women getting out of pickups to go eat at Cracker Barrel while wearing Sons of Anarchy shirts, which makes it racist by association.
This factoid is proof that Get Out was definitely fiction. Ain’t no nigga on earth spending a weekend alone with neighborless white people.
Doesn’t matter where you’re from: Boston, Alabama, Indiana—wherever. If you’re white and you don’t enunciate consonants, I’m keeping my eyes on you and your damn dog.