Touching Taboos

Scene 1: A black co-worker with a freshly-shaved head was working away at his computer terminal when a white colleague walked over, blissfully ran her hands over his head, and cooed โ€œit looked so smooth!ย  I just wanted to feel itโ€ฆโ€ Suggested Reading How Tina Knowles Schooled Folks Hating on Beyoncรฉ For Singing the National…

Scene 1: A black co-worker with a freshly-shaved head was working away at his computer terminal when a white colleague walked over, blissfully ran her hands over his head, and cooed โ€œit looked so smooth!ย  I just wanted to feel itโ€ฆโ€

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Trump’s Tariffs Might Stick Around. What Should We Buy Now?
Trump’s Tariffs Might Stick Around. What Should We Buy Now?

He, who is rarely lost for words, was shocked wordless.ย  Later he came to see me and ask โ€œum, what do I do?ย  I donโ€™t want her to do that again!ย  But I also donโ€™t want to turn this into a big dealโ€ฆย  Suggestions?โ€

My suggestion was to tell Mademoiselle Curiosity that sheโ€™d invaded his personal space, he felt uncomfortable, and to tell her why, thanks to several centuries of enslavement and oppression, many black folks find unsolicited head-rubbing profoundly offensive.

She was offended that he was offended (go figure), but she kept her hands to herself.ย  No other heads in the office were rubbed.

Scene 2: A pregnant co-worker was discussing the progress of her pregnancy with a second co-worker who had recently given birth.ย  They were comparing notes on when the new arrival would be born when a male co-worker breezed by, patted the pregnant belly and cheerfully announced โ€œgetting bigger, huh?โ€ and kept walking.ย 

He didnโ€™t see the eye-rolling among the three of us women.ย  โ€œHow do you get them to stop touching?โ€ the shy pregnant woman asked.ย  โ€œI feel soโ€ฆviolated!โ€

How you get them to stop is by taking their hands off your person and telling them โ€œI donโ€™t like people touching me without an invitation.โ€ย  All but the thickest folks will get that.

So, just to recap: discourage head-rubbers, unless thatโ€™s what floats your boat.ย  Or unless itโ€™s agreed-upon foreplay.ย  Whatever.

As for people who just canโ€™t keep their hands off blossoming bellies?ย  Two words: Ask First.ย  And if the pregnant person in question chooses not to let you feel whoโ€™s swimming around in there, remember: unless youโ€™re the dad (or partner), that experience is a privilege, not a right.

Karen Grigsby Bates is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for NPR News and co-author, with Karen Elyse Hudson, of The New Basic Black: Home Training For Modern Times (Doubleday)

Got a story about someone who reached out and touched you even when you didnโ€™t ask them to? Drop us a line at [email protected]. Remember that we might share your story in this column unless you ask to keep it private.

is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for NPR News and co-author, with Karen Elyse Hudson, of The New Basic Black: Home Training For Modern Times (Doubleday).

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