As of this writing, I have two children and a third baking in the proverbial oven. My children are the most beautiful, brilliant, exciting and excitable people on the planet. I love to hug and kiss them, and they seem to love it as well. My son? Making him laugh is often a reason Iโm excited to get home. And hearing my daughterโs hopes and dreams for the futureโshe wants to be everything from a songwriter to a scientist to a spyโat age 6 (about to be 7) lets me know that โP, you did good.โ
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Kids. They rock. Get you one. Everybodyโs doing it.
In case you arenโt aware, Iโm a man. As a man, that means that my job is to provide for and maintain the security of my children and family. If I donโt want to get caught up in the nuances of how to do it all, I donโt have to. Nobody is judging me for those things. Sure, if I up and bounce, rock, then skate and roll on my family, the Supreme Court of You Ainโt Sโt will rain down on my soul, but thatโs pretty much where it ends. Being a dad means that doing the bare minimum actually gets you praise. Just being there means that you got to the top of the mountain. It is sad but true.
For the record, I do not do the bare minimum. K? K.
But let me tell you something that Iโve seen with my own eyes about the other side. Full disclosure: I didnโt realize how many women did not like other women purely because of the choices they made that do not impact their lives in any fashion. This phenomenon manifested itself in terms of baby rearing.
Some women can be brutal. I was not prepared.
I did not realize that womanhood was a constant internal war. I knew (and know) that men are constantly and unfairly attacking womenโs concept of what it means to be a woman. Many of us are stuck in the Stone Age, and even the enlightened among us have blind spots. But there are also significant numbers of women who determine how good or bad a mother you are based on choices made that arenโt even indicative of whether or not youโre a good mother. Love, affection, safety, consistency, presence and caring are what determines that. According to the worldโs most accurate human barometerโthe Internetโthat gets lost in the matrix sometimes.
For instance? For instance.
As a padre, I have done research on many things baby-related, but I cannot tell a lie (about this): I know that my biggest job is to keep the baby alive. Feed, change, bathe and make sure he or she doesnโt roll off the bed, out of the car, off the couch, etc. Itโs pretty basic. Parenting is a team sport, and for the team to win, I must do my job. Women tend to dig much deeper into not only keeping el bebรฉ alive but also how exactly that life should look, even as young as a day old. Thatโs where the wars seem to start.
Are you #TeamNaturalBirth or #TeamEpidural? I didnโt realize how strongly women felt on either side of this argument until I hit the Internets. And it seems like the Natural teamโs raison dโetre is to shame the Epidurals about the fact that they didnโt go natural, from jump, negatively affecting the life of the child being born. Team Natural insists that the only way to have a child is as God intended. The Epiduralists are like, โ#bishwhet, it hurt! My experience is just as valid as yours because I birthed a child!โ Iโm not a woman; I have no clue who is right (if anybody) or wrong. Me? Iโm just glad my baby came out healthy and Mommy is OK.
Thing is, as is often the case, both sides have valid cases and reasons for making the individual choices they are making. And both are well within their rights to do so. Where things go wrong is that both are adamant about sharing their experiences and opinions about the choices they make for validation (a fair thing when trying to make sure youโre doing whatโs best for your child), which can turn into chest beating when folks disagree, and other women donโt like that validation sโt if it ainโt what they done did.
And donโt get me started on breast-feeding vs. formula. Iโve gone into a forum onceโa scary place, I assure you; thereโs a reason there was a room that said โDads Onlyโโto try to find out what people felt was the best formula to use and left shaking and scarred. I understand that breast-feeding is the ideal way to goโand itโs more financially efficientโbut man, it ainโt for everybody. But the claws were out and the talons were sharpened.
Women who chose to formula-feed their children for whatever reason took fire and decided to defend themselves. The breast-feeders stood on their vaunted ground in full defense of their choices. Lines were drawn, tridents were thrown and when the dust settled, I think Brick killed a guy. It seems like, again, a personal choice. The childโs health seems paramount here. Some women physically canโt breast-feed and I guess those women get a pass? Iโm not sure what else theyโd get, to be honest. It ainโt like you would let another woman breast-feed your child, like in slavery โฆ days โฆ never mind.
Cloth diapers vs. disposable? Natural wipes vs. โฆ nonnatural? The fights are real, and I found it a bit disconcerting. Not because I donโt understand that people have opinions. I get that. But because women were feeling a significant need to defend their choices about how they mother their children, one of the most personal things you can do. If you want your child to sleep in the bed with you, thatโs your choice. Now, are there scientific and logical reasons why youโd want your child to sleep in a crib vs. with Mommy and Daddy? Absolutely. But it is still your choice as a parent? Right on.
Iโm sure dads feel strongly about things. I know I do on certain items. But itโs all been because of experiences. For that same reasonโexperienceโthough, Iโve also felt not so strongly about some things because Iโve seen with mine own eyes that, at least in my case, those decisions didnโt seem to negatively impact, or impact at all, the life trajectory of my child.
Which brings me to another point: It seems like much of the to-do about how to do things or how not to do things is more of an upwardly mobile sport. The women Iโve seen arguing about โnaturalโ (and more costly items) are those with the means to do so. They also have the time to sit on message boards all day and argue with other women about how best to raise their children. Not that less-affluent individuals donโt concern themselves with these issuesโIโd wager that they doโbut who has time to argue about a birth that already occurred or one that will occur when youโre trying to make ends meet and you only get two weeks off after your child is born? You go for what makes sense to and for you, and the truth is, that doesnโt necessarily make any child the worse for wear.
I donโt have the answers; Iโm like Sway. And really, Iโm not trying to tell anybody how to live her life. But I do know that Iโve witnessed, on more than one occasion, the myriad battles taking place over a womanโs mothering by other mothers simply because the choices were different. And it amazed me, because I love mothers. Mothers rock! Most of these peopleโs kids are just fine physically and healthwise, but that doesnโt stop the battle from raging, and it probably never will.
Now, if theyโd just fight about those bad-ass attitudes and behaviors their kids have been infused with, we might get somewhere, because a lot of these kids running around here are aโholes, and Iโm sure how they got here and what diapers they used arenโt the culprit.
But Iโm sleep.
Panama Jackson is the co-founder and senior editor of VerySmartBrothas.com. He lives in Washington, D.C., and believes the children are our future.
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