white people
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Jeff Bezos Is Buying Whole Foods, Completing His Monopoly on Whiteness
Amazon.com, the other tab that is probably open on your browser right now, announced Friday that it has agreed to buy the high-end supermarket Whole Foods, the final step in owner Jeff Bezos’ lifelong mission of cornering the market on whiteness. If you want anything from mom jeans to farm-raised, vegetarian chicken wings or a…
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Five Perfectly Practical Reasons Why Y'all Need To Stop Inviting Every Random-Ass White Person To The Cookout
Invariably, as the controversy over Bill Maher’s house nigga continues to persist, a peripheral conversation about Maher’s mythical cookout-invitee status has occurred. According to some of y’all—and by “some of y’all” I really mean “some of y’all”—Maher has done enough in his career to warrant enough of a benefit of the doubt to still score…
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The More Racist I Get, The More White People Love Me, And I Don't Know How I Feel About This!
While The Wife Person and I were sitting on our front stoop yesterday evening, a middle-aged White man on a scooter rode past, noticed me on the steps, stopped in the street, and screamed “Governor! It’s called a governor!” I replied. “Oh, ok. Thanks!” And then he rode away on his scooter. Clearly perplexed by…
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How Mad Should I Be When White People Greet And Talk To My Dog When I'm Walking Him Instead Of Me?
Mickey, the 13-year-old Pit Bull/Labrador mix that lives with us and totally, absolutely, definitely never helped me solicit prostitutes, has had a difficult time adjusting to the presence of the Feminist Octopus. His behavior hasn’t changed much; he’s still the laconic, (usually) well-behaved, and personable dog who I still kinda think is a dude in a…
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White People Are So Happy They Can Now Drink Rosé Out of a 40 Ounce This Summer
When it comes to trolling “the blacks,” white folks collectively employ a “can’t stop, won’t stop” approach. Enter, the latest way to pour salt on our wounds and mock us: 40-ounce rosé. I know what you’re thinking if you’re a Negro: Since when is a 40 the move in the mainstream? After all, the idea…
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According to Republicans, Black People Are Stupid and Lazy
In the latest round of “studies confirming stuff we already knew,” newly released opinion-poll data from the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center shows that people who identify as Republican are more likely to believe that blacks are less motivated and less intelligent than whites. The survey results also reveal that more Republicans believe…
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Four Emails White People Send To Black People When Black People Write Or Talk About Racism
A word. In the fifth graf of “Racism Is Really Bad”, you cite a story about a time your great uncle applied for a home loan, and wasn’t able to receive it because, according to you, the bank didn’t loan money to black people. As you stated, the bank manager even personally came out of…
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For Colored People Still Thinking About Dating Interracially When Watching Get Out Wasn’t Enough
By the time you read this, you’ll have had more than enough time (two whole weekends, b!) to have seen Jordan Peele’s instant classic flick, Get Out. If you haven’t watched it… get your life together. I’m not usually one for horror movies, but I am one for doing things for the culture, and Get…
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Confronting My Addiction
I remember the first time I tried it. I had heard about other people doing it, and I knew that a few of my friends used it from time to time, but I thought it was stupid at first. I looked down my nose at people who occasionally did it at parties or in social…
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Kellyanne Conway Is White As Fuck
Of course, out-of-season Ann Taylor mock turtleneck with sentience Kellyanne Conway’s genetic phenotype is compromised of what we’ve come to define as Whiteness. This is evident, obvious, and conspicuous. She is demonstratively — and, in this picture while surrounded by a couple dozen HBCU administrators, strikingly — White. It’s the type of Whiteness that would…