trump
-
Trump Big Mad at Girlfriend Fox News for Cheating on Him
The public fuss-fight between President Trump and his personal YouTube channel Fox News took another turn Sunday when the leader of the free world tweeted that he knows that they’re cheating on him and he’s tired of it. “Don’t get why @FoxNews puts losers on like @RepSwalwell (who got ZERO as presidential candidate before quitting),…
-
Trump Tweeted Over 100 Times Sunday Because He Didn’t Have Cheerleading Practice
With the holidays on the horizon and school winding down to a snail’s pace, the president of the United States sits alone in his sleeping coffin wearing cozy PJs and messaging with Rep. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) about which GOP boys think he’s cute. Unfortunately, this Sunday it was Graham’s turn to work the president’s slaughterhouse,…
-
Harris Was Good in Theory, Buttigieg Makes Us Weary and Biden Sees Things Clearly: 2020 Presidential Black Power Rankings, Week 19
“Kamala Harris is dropping out but Pete Buttigieg is still in?” I got about a million incredulous texts just like this from black folks I know when Senator Kamala Harris dropped out of the 2020 campaign earlier this week. I got so many texts from black people about Harris I thought Tom Steyer was going…
-
We Know What Trump Uses to Make His Face That Color. Hint: It’s Not Pig Vomit
If you ever wanted to look like the president—or a weathered, sun-soaked, wrinkled Trader Joe’s orange—and run through the neighborhood scaring the shit out of children and people of color, then now is your chance, as the president’s favorite concealer has been revealed to be Russian prostitute urine!. Thanks to hardworking journalists at the Washington…
-
Speaker Nancy Pelosi Says Trump ‘Leaves Us No Choice But to Act’ on Impeachment
And so it begins. On Thursday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced that she’s asked that articles of impeachment be drafted against President I Did That Shit. Sure impeachment without removal from office is about as damaging as a public indecency charge from 1994; it’s not going to really do anything but it’s embarrassing if it…
-
Kamala Harris Shuts Door on Presidency and Dunks on the President on Her Way Out
On Tuesday, Sen. Kamala Harris announced that she was ending her presidential campaign, but because Trump knows nothing about an AKA’s ability to clap back—or how to do anything with grace—he sarcastically tweeted, “Too bad. We will miss you Kamala!” Apparently, no one told the president that Kamala had already obtained three clapback infinity stones…
-
World Leaders Caught on Hot Mic Clowning Trump, and Princess Anne Is a Real One
World leaders and a fussy baby who keeps telling everyone he won the popular vote are in London for the NATO summit. Unfortunately for America, our representative is a failed businessman-turned-reality TV host who can’t stop whining. Basically, he’s a national embarrassment on a global stage, like a kid that keeps yelling “pee-pee” and “boo-boo”…
-
House Democrats’ Impeachment Report Confirms Trump Is a Finesser Who Cares More About KFC Than America
In news that should be shocking to no one with opposable thumbs, a report by House Intelligence Committee Democrats confirms that President Trump was more concerned about his own personal gain than the well-being of the country when he tried to finesse a quid pro quo arrangement with the Ukrainian president. According to several sources,…
-
Trump Offers ‘Isis Fighters’ to French President Because He Just Can’t Stop Being a Global Embarrassment
American albatross and the president of people who believe in UFOs sat across from the president of France—a real president—who continuously embarrassed Trump in a tense meeting that the U.S. president made tense by being an asshole. During the sideline NATO meeting Tuesday, Trump did the condescending asshole-y thing he does where he offered the…
-
Trump Won’t Participate in This Week’s House Judiciary Impeachment Hearing Because He Did That Shit
Look, it’s time that we stop hemming and hawing around what we know to be the truth: Trump tied Ukrainian aid to dirt on possible Democratic 2020 rival Joe Biden and his son, Hunter. That happened. Full stop. What’s happened since then has been a game of let’s see if the GOP can make a…