trump
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Trump to Make Decision on Syria Soon. It Looks Like We ’Bout to Go to War, Y’all
On Monday, President Donald Trump condemned the chemical weapons attack that took place in Syria on Saturday, killing dozens of people, and added that he would be deciding which course of action to take as early as Monday evening. “We’ll be making that decision very quickly probably by the end of the day. But we…
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The White House Intern Class Looks Like the President’s Cabinet and His Dream for America
This year’s White House intern class is so white, each intern has one aunt who looks like Larry Bird. This intern class is so white that when discussing said aunt’s doppelgänger, they use the word “roundball.” The average credit score of this year’s White House intern class is 905. This year’s intern class is so…
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Donald Trump Sounds Crazy at Easter Egg Roll, Tells Children the Military Is at a Level They’ve Never Seen Before
President Donald Trump is crazier than a shit-house rat. I don’t know what a shit house is or why shit-house rats are crazier than normal rats, but I do know that Trump is even crazier. On Monday, Trump dyed his body with orange Easter egg paint and greeted the children for the annual Easter Egg…
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Trump Invited Vladimir Putin to the White House; Expect the President to Change His Relationship Status on Facebook
The president has swiped right, and it looks like he’s ready to take his international Grindr relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin all the way, as reports are stating that Donald Trump has invited Putin to the White House. According to the Washington Post, during a phone call earlier this month in which Trump congratulated…
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Is Aubrey O’Day’s Song ‘DJT’ About Her Affair With Donald Trump Jr.? Of Course It Is
While many of us believe that Donald Trump Jr. is just an inbred walking reindeer hoof whose flirting techniques include making bacon jokes about a woman’s vagina, and we are right, it turns out that he may still have been quite the ladies’ man. News broke late Monday that Trump Jr. had an affair with…
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Trump Forced Senior Staff to Sign Strict Nondisclosure Agreements Because He Thinks He’s Beyoncé
On the new Dj Khaled song “Top Off,” Beyoncé—who has the best verse on this song and makes it listenable despite being accompanied by her husband and Future—raps, “If they’re tryna party with the queen, they gon’ have to sign a nondisclosure.” It could’ve been a shot at comedian Tiffany Haddish, who publicly told of…
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Top Cop Jeff Sessions Speaks to Chiefs of Police and Collectively They Form the Broviet Union
The Trump administration is continuing its tradition of speaking to crowds that are largely favorable to its policies. On Thursday, Attorney General Jeff “King Keebler” Sessions spoke at the International Association of Chiefs of Police conference in Nashville, Tenn. What is the International Association of Chiefs of Police? Who knows, but it looks like a…
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Auntie Maxine Waters Is Not Afraid of Trump; Too Bad She’s Seemingly Alone in Her Fight
It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a person with a spine in Congress. Sadly, one of the few true beacons of hope to push back against the oppressive regime that is the Trump administration is a 79-year-old trailblazer and pioneer, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif.), affectionately known as “Auntie Maxine.” From day one, Auntie Maxine has…
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Tucker Carlson and Chill: White Conservatives in DC Can’t Get a Date, but the Black Ones Are Doing Fine
Apparently it’s really hard for the khaki-pants-wearing, tiki-torch-carrying, Trump-loving crowd to find dates in Washington, D.C. At least that’s the conclusion of “Why It’s Hard for Conservatives to Date in D.C. Right Now,” a piece in The Washingtonian magazine that’s become all the talk in Washington circles this week. Or at least some Washington circles. Conservatives…
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Watch Sarah ‘Suckabee’ Sanders Explain What the President Really Meant When He Claimed He Would’ve Run Into Florida High School
The devil speaks in his native language, which to many isn’t an actual language; it’s just mere sounds and grunts and vomit noises. As such, the devil often needs a translator: Enter Sarah Huckabee Sanders, aka Suckabee. One of Suckabee’s few jobs is to translate for the devil, who, for years, has been losing some…