trump
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Kirstjen Nielsen Out as Homeland Security Secretary Amid Reports That She Wasn't Willing to Break All the Laws
Kirstjen Nielsen, the woman with the worst spelled first name in the Trump administration, resigned as Homeland Security secretary on Sunday, evoking the famous tenant from the apostle Smokey, “You’ve got to be a stupid motherfucker to get fired on your day off.” “I have determined that it is the right time for me to…
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Trump Is Losing His Only Black, So He's Considering Adding Herman Cain to the Fed
Earlier this year, Ben Carson, the secretary of Housing and Urban Development, noted that he would most likely be stepping down at the end of the president’s first term. Which means that the president isn’t just losing his personal-walking ASMR station in Carson, he’s also losing his senior most black. While the position as most…
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Some Members of Mueller's Team Say Trump Report Way More Damaging Than Attorney General's Memo
Well, what do you know? The Trump-guy that Trump handpicked to run the Department of Justice—America’s top cop if you will—the guy that Trump picked to supersede Jeff “King Keebler” Sessions after he recused himself from all things Russia-related, didn’t quite convey the true essence of special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russia collusion in…
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President Windbag Mistakenly Claims That Windmill Noise Causes Cancer
President Trump continued his assault on alternative energy sources that don’t line the pockets of the 1 percent by pulling out his fear-mongering air horn to claim that windmills decrease property value and the noise from wind turbines causes cancer. “If you have a windmill anywhere near your house, congratulations, your house just went down…
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We Need to Talk About the President's UFC-Style Fight With the Queen's English
The president of the United States is a global embarrassment and a national idiot. I know that seems like it’s a debatable comment, but it’s not. It just isn’t. It’s not subjective. The president is a few security clearances short of a junior high school diploma. At this point, I’m going to need to see…
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Donald Trump Continues to Claim His Father was Born in Germany. His Father Was Born in New York City
When I was younger, I used to tell girls that I was mixed race. It made me sound more exotic and made me seem more interesting. I wasn’t ashamed of being black, I just thought it was funny to see how easily people would believe me when I said that my father was black but…
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Pot Meet Kettle: Trump Takes Dig at Biden's Alleged Inappropriate Conduct
President Pussy Grab got jokes. Despite the fact that he’s been accused of sexual misconduct by more than a dozen women—most recently in February when a former campaign staffer accused him of kissing her against her will—Melania’s baby daddy collected some cheap laughs at our embattled former vice president Joe Biden’s expense at a fundraiser…
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Trump Dismisses Census as 'Meaningless' Without Citizenship Question
Every ten years, this sorta kinda important thing called the U.S. Constitution mandates that we take a head count of every resident in the United States—yes, even our exes. So, with the 2020 Census around the corner, now would be an opportune time to reiterate its importance. How congressional seats are allocated? That’s determined by…
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White House Whistleblower: Trump Administration Overturned 25 Denied Security Clearances
A White House whistleblower, which is not the same as a racist whistleblower, told a Congressional panel that more than two dozen security clearances that should have been denied were overturned by the Trump administration. According to The Washington Post, Tricia Newbold, a longtime White House security adviser, told the House Oversight and Reform Committee…