Ted Cruz
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Black People Don’t Need Reminders That Chauvin’s Guilty Verdict Doesn’t Mean the Fight Is Over. It’s OK to Celebrate Small Victories
I never want to be so woke that I’m unwilling to celebrate small victories. A weird thing happens on social media whenever Black people publicly celebrate anything justice-related: Other Black people come around to remind us that America still ain’t shit and we shouldn’t get too happy. I understand it, of course. I get the…
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Ted Cruz Says Maxine Waters is 'Encouraging Riots & Violence' by Telling Protesters to 'Stay in the Streets.' Does He Not Remember Trump?
Ted Cruz, the Texas senator with the Dollar Store version of Wolverine’s facial hair, must have left the part of him that even bothers hiding his hypocrisy in Cancun when he went on his short-lived vacation from being a piss-poor elected official earlier this year. Because I know that Senator Somebody-PLEASE-Shape-Up-My-Salt-and-Pepper isn’t actually out here…
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Can a Sexless Robot Run for President? Some Think Mike Pence Is Making a Push for 2024
Remember back a million years ago when America was under the rule of the most racist president and his sexless robot former Vice President Mike Pence? Well, it looks like someone’s done some tinkering with his mainframe because the once homeless, couch-surfing VP might be looking to make a run at the White House in…
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Steph Curry Out Indefinitely After Suffering Gruesome Tailbone Contusion
NBA superstar Steph Curry, whose back was already sore from carrying the Golden State Warriors all season, suffered one of the worst injuries known to man Wednesday night against the Houston Rockets. At the tail end—no pun intended—of the third quarter, the two-time MVP launched an off-balance trey and as he stumbled backward into the…
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Apparently, Violent Extremism Doesn't Exist
A new study on the Jan. 6 insurrection, rally and jumping-in ceremony at the U.S. Capitol Building determined that most of the participants in the Mutiny on the Ballot were regular schmegular white people just like me and you. The investigation, conducted by the George Washington University Program on Extremism, analyzed arrest information, court documents…
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Q Is Smart, Q Is Kind, Q Is Important: A Response to Tucker Carlson's Allegation That QAnon Doesn't Exist
Dear Mr. Carlson, Between my morning briefing on the status of the Democratic Party’s sex trafficking and my afternoon insurrection workout (mostly just police-beating exercises with a flagpole), I was informed by one of my most loyal parishioners (who may or may not represent Georgia’s 14th Congressional District) that you have been spreading lies and…
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Since Ted Cruz Couldn’t Stay In Cancun, Someone Sent a Mariachi Band to His House
Texans without heat in the freezing temperatures were still thinking about their senator and his missed vacation when they came up with the brilliant idea to send a little bit of Cancun to his home just to show him how much they care about him. On Sunday, a mariachi band played outside the home of…
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Freezing Texas Residents Aren't All Ted Cruz Left Behind
When it comes to Republicans, there are apparently two things you can’t fuck with: fertilized eggs and dogs. I think it was Apostle Leon who noted in the Bible that “White people love them some dogs.” Unless you are Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, aka Satan’s phlegm, because he reportedly didn’t just leave his constituents to…
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After Throwing His Wife, His Dad, His State, His Country, His Name, and His Nuts Under the Bus, Ted Cruz Throws His Daughters There, Too
Has there ever been a man, real or fictional, as pathetic as Ted Cruz? That was not a rhetorical question. I’m genuinely curious. Of course, there have been worse people. Hitler. King Leopold II of Belgium. Rush Limbaugh. Grayson Allen. But pathetic exists in a different stratosphere; a singular entity at the intersection of loathe…