senate
-
Former National Security Adviser John Bolton to Go Full Tekashi 6ix9ine, Says He’s Ready to Testify
In what can only be described as the biggest switch since The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air replaced dark-skinned Aunt Viv with light-skinned Aunt Viv and acted like nothing happened, former national security adviser John Bolton now claims that he’s ready to testify in Trump’s Senate impeachment trial. On Monday, out of the clear blue sky,…
-
South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham Is Willing to Risk It All for Love
I’m convinced that President Trump has several photos of a buck-naked Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) holding an equally naked goat in a seedy hotel room lit only by Russian-prostitute-urine-scented candles, as we’ve not seen this level of commitment since this cat saw bacon. Over the weekend, Senate Judiciary Chairman Lindsey Graham, once a respected member of…
-
Republican Gets Spine for Christmas, Finds That Mitch McConnell Is Shady AF
In news that can only be described as shocking, Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski told an Anchorage TV station that she’s “disturbed” by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s (R-Ky.) admission that he’s already decided his position on Trump’s impeachment. McConnell, the result of a turtle falling in love with a boat shoe and having unprotected sex,…
-
Nancy Pelosi’s Playing 3-D Chess With a President Who Has Trouble with 4-Piece Puzzles
The U.S. president’s blind spot has always been women. The president is such a misogynist that he doesn’t believe that women are as capable, or strong and smart enough to outwit him, which is hilarious considering this is the same president that has trouble reading off a teleprompter. Nevertheless, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi…
-
It's Impeachment Season: Tens of Thousands Rally Across America In Support of Removing Donald Trump
On the eve of a House vote to impeach President Donald Trump, tens of thousands of Americans rallied across all 50 states and the District of Columbia in support of removing the quid-pro-ho from office. In Times Square, hundreds of protesters held a banner quoting the Constitution for all those sequestered in the city’s skyscrapers…
-
The Man Who Dissed Mitch McConnell Says It Had Nothing to Do With Elijah Cummings. The Untold Backstory Is Even Worse
Senate Majority Leader and Zombie Voldemort, Mitch McConnell, went viral this weekend after a close friend of legendary Baltimore Congressman Elijah Cummings refused to shake the hand of He Who Should Not Be Named. Bobby Rankin, a longtime friend of the late Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md.), served as a pallbearer at Cummings’ memorial service on…
-
Cory Booker on Senate Beginnings: It Was 'the Least Diverse Place I Had Ever Seen'
We’ve all been there. The culture shock of acclimating to a seasonless, Rhythm-less Nation whose population mirrors a Friends episode is a lot to process. And according to presidential candidate and Cory Booker, he had that exact experience in 2013 when he became a senator. “When I came to the United States Senate, it was…
-
For the 50-11th Time: Stacey Abrams Will Not Run for New Open Senate Seat in Georgia
We get it. Stacey Abrams would be great at running literally anything: your district, the state of Georgia, your state, the entirety of the United States, all the habitable sections of planet earth, and Jupiter, Mars and Mercury on top of that. So when news broke today that Georgia Senator Johnny Isakson, a Republican, would…
-
California Senate to Trump: Either Release Your Taxes or You Won't be on the 2020 Ballot
Unfortunately, it’s come to this. The president of the United States, or as he’s called in Russia, “Putin’s bitch,” refuses to show us those tax returns, claiming that he would if he could (he can) but he can’t because he’s being audited (he can still release his tax returns) because he has something to hide.…