prayer
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A Prayer of Financial Stability for Those Who Keep Losing Their Weaves in the Streets
Let us bow our heads: Father God, I come to you in inquiry and with a hopeful heart. You see, I believe in you and I believe in your methods. You have ordered my steps in your word, dear Lord, and while you lead me and guide me…ev-er-ee daaaaay, I kind of be wondering about…
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A Prayer of Congregation for Those of Us Who’ve Made It to the Super Bowl Without Watching the NFL All Season
If you know like I know, bow your heads. Dear 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn baby Jesus, don’t even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly but still omnipotent, I come to you with a prayer of silent struggle. For it is only by your grace that I and many like myself have managed…
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A Prayer for Post Malone, Who Says It’s a ‘Struggle Being a White Rapper’
Heavenly Savior, Today I come to you, O Lord, and humbly as I know how. In fact, I come to you so humbly that I will admit that I don’t know whether or not to pronounce the “h” in “humble.” I mean, I can see the letter right there at the beginning of the words,…
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Exclusive: God Responds to Ben Carson’s Weird Prayer Thanking the Lord for Trump and the Tax Bill
Before a Wednesday Cabinet meeting, the Grinch Who Stole the Middle Class’s Christmas informed the members of the press that they should stay for a few minutes to join Snow White Supremacist and the Seven Demons in prayer. Led by the successful surgeon, failed dick-stabber, and Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson, the…
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An Apology to Ray Lewis, Who Says He Was Praying, Not Protesting
Dearest Ray, I hope this letter finds you well. I know that you are a busy man, so I pray that I haven’t interrupted you midshuck or disturbed your daily regimen of rigorous jiving with this letter. On Sunday, seconds after someone sent me a photo of you bent prostrate during the playing of the…
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A Prayer for My Emotions as This Is Us Embarks on Its 2nd Season
Let us bow our heads in prayer. Dear Heavenly Father, so luminescent and full of zinc and other elements available only in theory via the periodic table of elements, I come to you in supplication, oh Lord. Tonight, Father God, the second season of This Is Us begins on your network, NBC, as all network…
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A Prayer for White People Who Don’t Understand That Black Love Doesn’t Mean White Hate (Sometimes)
Congregation of St. Panama Jackson the United Methodist Baptist Pentecostal AME Church of God in Christ Episcopal Primitive Missionary Baptist Downward Dog Down by the Riverside Holiness Church, please bow your heads: Dear 8-pound, 6-ounce newborn infant Jesus, don’t even know a word yet, just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent, I…
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A Prayer Because I'm Just *CENSORED* Tired
Congregation of St. Panama Jackson the United Methodist Baptist Pentecostal AME Church of God in Christ Episcopal Primitive Missionary Baptist Down By The Riverside Holiness Church, please bow your heads…again: Dear 175 lb, carpenter god/God, afro-pic utilizing banned from the USA, Jesus, I’m tired. My feet are weary even though you’ve allegedly been carrying me…
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A Prayer For Parents Who Let Their Kids Wear Shorts To School When It’s Cold Outside
Congregation of St. Panama Jackson the United Methodist Baptist Pentecostal AME Church of God in Christ Episcopal Primitive Missionary Baptist Down By The Riverside Holiness Church, please bow your heads: Dear 8 pound, 6 ounce newborn infant Jesus, don’t even know a word yet, just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent, I…