matt gaetz
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Blue Lives Only Matter When They Are Killing Black People
The headline for this story is really the gotdamn point. Always. Every time a Black person has been killed extrajudicially by a police officer, the Blue Lives Matter crew comes out in full force to defend policing, which in and of itself is a power structure built and steeped in racism and white supremacy. You…
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President Biden’s Dogs Are Republican, Get Kicked Out of White House After Incident
President Biden and first lady Jill Biden have two dogs, Champ and Major. Both dogs are stuck in their ways and prefer the life they had before Biden became president. While I don’t speak dog, I believe that both Champ and Major both voted against the COVID-19 relief bill and supported the insurrection on the…
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Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan Wants to Have a Hearing on ‘Cancel Culture,’ Because Jim Jordan Is a Goddamn Idiot
Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) is the congressman who refuses to wear a blazer. As such he’s earned the moniker “Jacketless Jim Jordan.” Jim Jordan is also the former assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State accused of aiding in a coverup of sexual assaults by team doctor Dr. Richard Strauss, who reportedly abused team members from…
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Looks Like Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz Was Out Here Twerking for Trump to Get Low Hotel Rates
Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz (R) has been battling South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham (R) for who will get to bronze the president’s testicles and keep them in their suit jacket pocket, closest to their heart. While no one will beat Graham’s commitment and penchant for punishment, it looks like Gaetz didn’t walk away empty-handed, as…
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Florida Just Doesn’t Want Former Prisoners to Vote
First, Florida voters did something so un-Florida-like that everyone outside of Florida was like, “Bitch, do y’all see Florida?” That’s because in 2018, Florida voters voted to give felons back the right to vote, which, now that I think about it, might be completely Florida-like considering Florida is made up of two things: old people…
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Rep. Matt Gaetz Had a TV Studio Installed in His Father’s Home With Taxpayer Money and Other Possible Violations
When Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz isn’t playing catch with his fully grown adopted, but not really adopted man-child Nestor, he’s apparently violating House ethics rules, allegedly. Gaetz, a grown man who longs to be Trump’s son, “improperly sent tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars to a limited liability company linked to a speech-writing consultant who…
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We Still Need to Talk About Rep. Matt Gaetz’s ‘Son’ Nestor
I have started this column at least three times but I feel like you should know this before I begin. The Root doesn’t wade in the kiddie pool. We have no problem destroying your least favorites and your favorites, but like the mafia, we have rules. We don’t go after kids, ever. So we kicked…
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Ted Cruz Challenged Actor Ron Perlman to Wrestle Jim Jordan, Which Further Proves That 2020 Is Trash
It all started with a goddamn chicken sandwich and now 2020 hasn’t just jumped the shark, it’s off the rails and headed towards Clay Morrow and a congressman wrestling, as nothing says this year is just a complete fucking waste like the performative, homoerotic art of wrestling. I don’t even know how it got started,…
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Rep. Matt Gaetz Is Big Mad That Howard University Is Getting Stimulus Money. Kamala Harris Calls Him Out
On Wednesday, Congress reached an agreement on a $2 trillion stimulus deal to relieve businesses and individuals affected financially by the coronavirus outbreak, and as usual, certain people are mad at all the wrong things. Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz, a Republican, loyal Trump supporter and all-around loud and wrong white man, took to Twitter after…
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Matt Gaetz Wore a Gas Mask on House Floor and Now He’s Self-Quarantined After Being Exposed to Coronavirus
Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz is an asshole. That’s it. That’s the story. Seriously, Gaetz is a such an asshole that other assholes who aren’t as good as he is at being an asshole consider him #assholegoals. Rep. Matt Gaetz is such an asshole that he wore a gas mask on the House floor and people…