golden state warriors
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10 Still-Angry Observations From an NBA Finals Game 1 That Made Me Want to Break Things and Fight People
1. Jordan Clarkson hoops like how the screen would look in the ’90s when you tried watching porn on a pay-per-view channel you didn’t order. 2. I don’t know when exactly the Golden State Warriors became so fucking insufferable, but during Game 1, I realized that I hate them as much as I hate the…
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How Sen. Ted Cruz Cursed the Houston Rockets and Kept Them Out of the NBA Finals
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), aka “Grown-Up Eddie Munster,” posted a photo of himself at the Toyota Center on Monday night, where the Houston Rockets were set to take on the Golden State Warriors, and all Rockets fans knew it was downhill from there. After Cruz’s photo was posted to Twitter, Houston Rockets fans jumped in…
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The NBA Finals Are Just a Contest to See Who Wins the Chance to Refuse Trump’s White House Invitation
Perhaps if the Boston Celtics had beaten the Cleveland Cavs or if the Houston Rockets hadn’t morphed into rancid Twizzlers in the second half Monday night, we’d have a more competitive NBA Finals ahead of us. I don’t believe the Celtics could have beaten the Golden State Warriors, but they have enough long, bouncy and…
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Did Chris Paul Elbow Kevin Durant in the Butthole Last Night?
Below, because I know you’re curious, are the five worst places to be elbowed during a basketball game (in reverse order): 5. armpit (trust me) 4. nose 3. eye Tie: 2. nuts/stomach/ribs 1. butthole (presumably) Anyway, yes. Chris Paul definitely elbowed Kevin Durant in the butthole. Perhaps the first midgame butthole elbow I’ve ever seen.…
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White Reporter Stole From Warriors Security and Nothing Happened Until the Players Found Out
A white reporter who covers the Golden State Warriors was caught on tape stealing a security staffer’s jacket. It isn’t debatable; it happened. Several news outlets have seen the tape and confirmed that Mike Shumann, a sports anchor for KGO-TV in San Francisco, picked up the jacket, which didn’t belong to him, and walked out…
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Golden State Warriors Won’t Visit White House, Instead They’ll Visit With Kids From Kevin Durant’s Old Neighborhood
When the White House was home to a respectable family, it was an honor for national sports champions to visit, but since the White House has become the Kremlin East and serves as a home to President Lil’ Putin and his captive Melania, the Golden State Warriors won’t be visiting when they come to Washington,…
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Collusion? Forget Russia: LeBron James Is Willing to Take a Meeting With the Golden State Warriors
I’m going to need special counsel Robert Mueller to stand down on the Russia investigation and take a look at LeBron “King” James’ reported willingness to have a sit-down with the Golden State Warriors. That could mean that Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant and James would be on the same team. This feels like Vladimir Putin’s…
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Steph Curry Wants to Play a Game, but Not That Game
Steph Curry, two-time MVP and relentless chewer of mouth guards, is very good at playing games. Aside from (very obviously) being great at basketball, Curry also has a sweet golf swing and, as he demonstrated Sunday night, a mean costume game, too. The Golden State Warrior literally rolled up to Oracle Arena before the team’s…
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30 Reasons Why Your Favorite Team Won’t Win the NBA Finals This Year
The NBA—the best professional sports league in the history of history—is back Tuesday night, with 30 teams all vying to be the one that wins the last game of the season. Here’s why none of them will. 30. Chicago Bulls Because I triple-dog dare you to name five people on their team without Googling the…
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Steph Curry Scores Richest Deal in NBA History With $200,000,000 Contract
He might not be Michael Jordan, or even LeBron James, but Steph Curry has just agreed to what amounts to the richest deal in NBA history. The five-year deal with the Golden State Warriors is worth $201 million with no options, as confirmed by Curry’s agent Jeff Austin of Octagon. USA Today reports that Curry…