Donald Trump
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Birthing My Half-Black, Half-Pakistani, Full-Muslim Son in the Era of Trump
I went into labor 30 minutes after Donald Trump’s election night speech. I have the worries that any new mother would have about raising a child in the era of Trump, where ugliness is out in the open and civility no longer exists. My son was born pink. Not mocha, like his daddy. I really…
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The Woke Guide to the Super Bowl: If You’re Rooting for the New England Patriots, You’re Rooting for Trump
The two weeks between the NFL playoffs and the Super Bowl are usually incredibly boring. The same interviews, the same analysis for a game that Vegas picked correctly a month ago. But thanks to Donald Trump, this year it’s different. After decades of adhering to the “stick to sports” mantra, sports fans, pundits and especially…
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Trump Is the Boyfriend Who Can’t Stop Talking About His Old Girlfriend
President Donald Trump hasn’t accepted that his relationship with Celebrity Apprentice is over. He can’t accept that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the new boss with a new catchphrase. He also can’t deal with the fact that his old flame has moved on without him even though his new bae, the presidency of the United States of…
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Trump Administration Modifies Sanctions With Our Play Cousin Russia
The Trump administration has loosened sanctions on America’s new play cousin on our fascist father’s side. That’s right—the Treasury Department announced Thursday a modification of sanctions put in place by the Obama administration after intelligence agencies determined that it was involved in cyberattacks to meddle with the U.S. elections in November, CNBC reports. And now…
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President Pee-Pee’s Supreme Court Pick Started a Fascism Club in High School
So it turns out that back when Judge Neil Gorsuch—you know, President Pee-Pee’s nominee for the Supreme Court—was just a high school student, he founded the Fascism Forever Club. First off, what a dork. Second, really?! The 49-year-old nerd started the club as a freshman at the über-expensive elite Georgetown Preparatory School near Washington, D.C.,…
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Donald Trump Hates Muslims (Old Kanye Voice)
Let’s recap: First Donald Trump’s administration issues a Muslim ban, which they don’t want called a ban, but the president and his lackey Sean “Spicy Facts” Spicer have both called it a ban. The ban stops people from seven predominantly Muslim countries from coming to the U.S. Now comes the news that the Department of…
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Sean Spicer Looks Like Howard the Duck in Human Form, Is Scared of Children and Is a Terrible Press Secretary
Sean Spicer often looks guilty of something. He looks like the person who went into the work refrigerator, saw the juice with your name on it and drank it anyway—and put it back with not the slightest ounce of shame. Spicer also seems like the driver you end up cursing out on the freeway because…
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A Prayer, Because I’m Just [Censored] Tired
Dear 175-pound, carpenter god-God, Afro-pick-utilizing, banned-from-the-USA Jesus, I’m tired. My feet are weary even though you’ve allegedly been carrying me whenever I go to the beach. Though, I’m saying, they don’t look like Birkenstocks in the sand, is all I’m saying. Royal heathen Kevin Gates is not tired despite having six jobs, but I’ll bet…
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2 GOP Senators Say They’ll Vote Against DeVos’ Confirmation as Education Secretary
As the ongoing saga of President Donald Trump’s Cabinet confirmations continues, two GOP senators have come forward and said they will vote against Betsy DeVos for education secretary, giving Senate Democrats two of the at least three votes they will need to block her appointment. Sens. Susan Collins (R-Maine) and Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) made their…