Donald Trump
-
Michael Cohen Said Trump Made Him Break the Law. Trump Tweets Cohen Should Have Known Better
The president of people who buy gas-station hot dogs has awakened from his slumber, taken his morning bath in a mixture of antifreeze and peach Faygo, and started his daily tweeting regimen by explaining how he shouldn’t be held responsible for Michael Cohen’s illegal acts just because he may have told Cohen to break the…
-
The Dumbass President Really Thought Actor Christian Bale Was Bruce Wayne
When actor Christian Bale met Donald Trump, he couldn’t understand why he kept talking about how much they are alike, considering they’d both lost their parents and here he was living in Trump Tower and Bale was residing in Wayne Manor. Trump told Bale of his days as a single millionaire philanthropist but it wasn’t…
-
Trump Believes People Would Revolt If He’s Impeached. By ‘People’ He Means Wypipo
President Donald Trump really believes that if he’s impeached chaos would ensue. He honestly believes that his tiki torch mob would set this world ablaze and the world would stink of fire and brimstone. Also, what is brimstone and where can I buy it? It sounds evil and it’s usually associated with evil but I’ve…
-
Donald Trump’s List of Failed Nominees Looks Like a CVS Receipt and Don Lemon Ran Out of Time Trying to Read It
By now I’m sure you’ve heard that yet another one of our Commander-in-Tweet’s nominees—former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson—has joined the likes of former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, former campaign chairman Paul Manafort and lawyer Michael Cohen at the unemployment office. And with soon-to-be former Chief of Staff John Kelly likely to soon join…
-
Contrary to What Donald Trump Says, He Has Not Been Cleared. He’s Been Implicated in a Federal Case
“Totally clears the President. Thank you!” Donald Trump tweeted Friday, shortly after news broke that federal prosecutors had made filings in the cases against his former attorney and fixer, Michael Cohen. For whatever reason, the “President” seems to think the filings exonerate him of any wrongdoing, but he is absolutely incorrect. The filing in Cohen’s…
-
I Told Y’all: Donald Trump Can’t Read
The opinions expressed in this article are the sole opinions of Michael Harriot. This is in no way meant to demean the puss-filled presidential wart fucking up America’s face. Anyone thinking of attributing these thoughts to someone else should note that this is typed in italics which, I’m pretty sure, makes it legally binding. In…
-
Rex Tillerson Calls the President a Dumbass. Trump Calls Tillerson a Lazy Bitch
The first-world fuss fight between President Bull Shannon and his former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson continues as Tillerson noted that President Kelly Bundy is, in fact, an idiot. What was actually missed from Tillerson’s rare public appearance during a fundraiser for the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center on Thursday, was that he believes that Russia…
-
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly Will Reportedly Resign, Signaling the Series Finale of America
Raise your hand if you didn’t see this one coming. An actual real-life and respected Marine Corp general lasted longer than many expected in one of the most dysfunctional White House administrations since President Francis Underwood. According to CNN, the relationship between White House chief of staff John Kelly and the president has grown so…
-
Trump National Golf Club Maid Comes Out As Undocumented, Surprisingly Hasn’t Killed Anyone
President Clark Griswald would have white midwesterners believe that he’s the tough-on-borders president, minus, of course, his genius immigrant wife and her parents. He would have southern whites believing that he’s the build-a-wall president that’s going to keep migrants from coming into the country and stealing all the good jobs. He would like to have…