depression
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Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic?
Editor’s Note: Trigger warning, this post talks about the subject of suicide, and was written before the death of Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington. It can be time-consuming, this constant calibration of moods. I can’t predict when it will hit me, when my lungs will close and the room will begin to spin. When I feel…
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When Vanity Is Self-Care
The salon was busy when I walked in. There was the chatter of stylists gossiping with clients, the whirl of hair dryers and the receptionist laughing into her cellphone. She paused the conversation to ask if she could help me. Before I could respond, the stylist I’d come to see noticed me and waved me…
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No, You Have Anxiety
Literally anything can give me anxiety, from a car that takes a second too long to turn over, the gym at its busiest hour, a doorbell ringing, the refrigerator light—anything. Today’s source of anxiety is a text message my friend and big brother, Roger, sent last night: “I need to holler at you. I’ll call…
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What A Difference A Year Makes: On Battling And Beating Depression
If I had moved to New York last fall as intended, you would be surely be referring to me in the past tense today. I wasn’t ready, mentally, financially or emotionally to give up my chill yet scatterbrained and spiraling life in Panama to write and power-walk for a living in the City That Never…
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That Time I Decided To Move To Los Angeles To Chase My Dreams
It was December 2014. A highly emotional and stressful year was met with a last punch to my gut when a significant friendship ended. I felt worthless, burdensome, insufficient, and abandoned. And, frankly, I was tired. I was tired of crying every day and every night, sneaking away to bathrooms to delete my cache of…
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My Name Is Tonja. And I Think About Committing Suicide
“Ain’t too much sadder than…” I was a Robin Williams stan growing up. And, yes, most of that had to do with his voice work as “Genie” in Aladdin. But, when I saw that, I had to see it all. Mrs. Doubtfire. Hook. Good Will Hunting. Ferngully. Jumanji. The Birdcage. Even a little ‘Mork & Mindy.’ He was…