democratic presidential candidates

  • I Can't Believe Black People Might Actually Vote for Michael Bloomberg

    First, you try to get free. Margaret Garner tried to get free. On January 28, 1856, Margaret, her husband, their four children and 11 of their fellow enslaved freedom-seekers stole their master’s horse, sleigh and gun and absconded from their Boone County, Ky. plantation owner, Archibald K. Gaines. The family crossed the frozen Ohio River…

  • Why Does Chuck Todd Exist?

    Look, I get it. Despite having ball-handling skills that resemble a Caucasian clapping at a Pentecostal gospel concert; in spite of possessing the vertical leap of a Benadryl-drunk third-grader, I am often afforded the privilege of not having to wait to be picked in predominantly white pickup basketball games because of my blackness. I was…

  • The Democratic Candidates, Ranked by Cookoutworthiness

    White people are going to vote for Donald Trump. That statement is a fact. According to the Roper Center, the Republican presidential nominee has won the white vote in every election in the last four decades. Even the white progressives who are currently bristling at the inhumanity of Trump cannot deny this statistical truth. To…

  • Why Your Presidential Candidate Is Trash (Yes, Yours Too)

    I fondly remember the days when I was “in the tank” for Bernie Sanders. My time as a shill for Bernie only lasted for a few weeks after I “attacked” Pete Buttigieg with “wokeness,” which was followed by the time I “smeared” Joe Biden, which was months after I unfairly distorted Kamala Harris’ record. But,…

  • Julián Castro Ends Presidential Campaign

    Former Housing and Urban Development Secretary Julián Castro, the only Latinx candidate in the field, has ended his campaign for president after low polling numbers and difficulty raising the excessive amount of money needed to compete for a chance to govern the country. “I’m so proud of the campaign we’ve run together. We’ve shaped the…

  • Pete Buttigieg Is (Also) Lying About His Age

    I was tempted to begin this by saying I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t been paying much attention to the Democratic presidential nominee horserace, but I didn’t say the thing I’m saying I didn’t say, because it would have been a lie. I am neither ashamed to admit that nor even incrementally approaching shame.…

  • Exclusive: Birmingham Mayor Randall Woodfin Endorses Joe Biden for President

    In an exclusive conversation with The Root, the mayor of America’s third-blackest city announced his endorsement of former Vice President Joe Biden for President of the United States, explaining how he came to his decision, why the election is not just a referendum on Trump and why he rejects the notion that “moderate” Democratic candidates…

  • The Caucasian Candidate’s Guide to Black Voters

    So you want to be president. In America, reaching the pinnacle of any career doesn’t usually require the consent or approval of black people. In fact, it is possible to lead one of the most profitable companies in America; govern the state of Alabama; determine whether or not America has talent or run a sports…

  • Kamala Harris Drops Out of Presidential Race Amid Rumors of a Directionless Campaign That Was Hemorrhaging Cash

    Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif.), the spitfire with the HBCU bonafides, has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race amid rumors that her campaign lacked direction, had no cash and “no real plan to win,” according to one campaign staffer who resigned and burned the bridge on her way out the door. According to the Washington…

  • Deval Patrick Is Running for President Because…Reasons

    Former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, rumored since last year to be contemplating a run for the White House, officially joined the 2020 Democratic presidential race today, prompting untold scores of people to ask: “Sir, are you serious??” In an announcement video published online Thursday morning, Patrick stressed the need for unity and building a “more…