congress
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Trump’s Having a Pretty Rough Day
Trump started off his morning the way that he normally does, he woke to his favorite version of Kendrick Lamar’s Alright: Then he asked that South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham be brought into the kicking chamber where he proceeded to kick Graham’s shins bloody. He then drank four 16-ounce ostrich eggs and asked that he…
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The Tekashi 6ix9ine We Need: Ousted U.S. Vaccine Official Rick Bright Gives It All Up
Former top U.S. vaccine official, Rick Bright, walked into Congress Thursday and asked for a large bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, a Nehi grape soda, and a pack of Marlboro Lights 100s and proceeded to give up everything he knew about how fucking screwed Americans are if they are waiting for the Trump administration to…
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Trump Is a Fuckboi and Fauci Is the Homie Who’s About to Expose His Lying Ass
Back in my fuckboi days, when I had like four girlfriends, I used to do a move I called, “divide and keep dividing.” It looked like this: I would tell one girlfriend a lie and then I had to keep her away from anyone else who could tell her the truth because that would fuck…
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Trump Made Another Empty Threat. Something About Adjourning Congress, but Here’s Why He Can’t Do That Either
Trump does this thing when he’s losing, and the move isn’t sophisticated or even nuanced. Trump literally finds something else to complain about and it doesn’t even have to be a legitimate grievance; it just has to be something else. Anything else. So after getting laughed at and smacked around by America’s governors when Trump…
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Congress Reaches $2 Trillion Stimulus Package Deal. Here’s Everything You Really Need to Know About It
From this point on, the rest of our lives will be defined around coronavirus. Expect all of your father’s stories to have the phrase, “But that was way back before coronavirus fucked everything up.” To that end, Congress—the group of old white people who don’t really care about the people who voted them into office—stayed…
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The DOJ Appears to Be Using Coronavirus to Get Around Our Constitutional Right to Due Process (Among Other Things)
As the coronavirus crisis continues to dominate mainstream media and the general public continues to be in frenzy mode, the Department of Justice has quietly asked something of Congress that would lend feelings of vindication to every amateur conspiracy theorist clogging our newsfeeds with their hot-takes on how the government created the virus in order…
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Which Members of Congress Used Coronavirus Intel to Martha Stewart Their Stocks? Here’s What We Know About #BURRisma
Here’s how it works. Congress members are a part of a select group of folks who are entitled to privileged information. This information can obviously affect the stock market. Say, for example, you are a senator from North Carolina and let’s say that you’re a Republican and let’s just say, for the sake of conversation,…
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Lizzo, Anderson Paak Among Artists Calling on Trump to Save the Entertainment Industry From Financial Ruin
With the entertainment industry decimated by catastrophic losses and indefinite delays as it endures the ugliest shutdown it’s ever seen, fan favorites like Lizzo and Anderson .Paak are calling on President “China Virus” to intervene. Rolling Stone and Variety report that a slew of heavyweight artists and executives, such as balladeer Babyface, Grammy Award-winning bassist…