On this day, in 1925, Malcolm Little was born.
The man whose name offends white people would become known by many monikers: Detroit Red, Malcolm X, Minister Malcolm and El-Hajj Malik Shabazz. He remains a revolutionary, an icon and one of the greatest orators of his time.
Contrary to popular belief, belligerent black leaders like Malcolm X don’t scare white people any more than clay pigeons scare skeet shooters. They just like to hunt.
You can even see it on social media.
For instance, police brutalized and arrested partygoers in Florida who assailed the cops with bottles.
Now, those people who are upset with the cops aren’t necessarily taking the sides of the partygoers. Those people are stupid and could possibly spread the coronavirus as we fight this global pandemic.
But, this, though:
I had to check the news site to see if it was real. There was so much to dissect— the reporter’s voice that sounded like he swallowed a white man, how much Britney Spears has changed and this part:
What are they doing and why is David Ortiz there?
This isn’t twerking. Megan Thee Stallion didn’t install her adamantium knees for this. Maybe this is a video shoot for the upcoming hit song “Lukewarm Girl Summer.” I spoke to Cardi B and she confirmed that, while these girls apparently don’t dance, they most certainly were not making money moves. Perhaps they were conducting a seaside tutorial on learning how to play tambourine by shaking something flat and white while another person patted it. Later on in the clip, Mr. Squidward emerged from the waves and said:
“Oh wait...I thought I saw SpongeBob.”
And I was sure this character was being played by Roseanne Barr:
Meanwhile, this woman’s birthday shoot confirms my suspicion that Ponce de León was looking in the wrong place when he was searching for the fountain of youth. The key to agelessness is obviously in whatever black women drink.
All black women look 27 years old until they turn 70, in which case they will look 50. But because they know how good they look, here’s what to say that will help you determine a black woman’s actual age:
“Hey, how old are you?”
They don’t have to lie.
These two nominees will probably compete for the Social Studies “no comment needed” tweet of the week.
Of course, we should provide you with your daily dose of Karening, so here you go:
This is also how we know that Jesus wasn’t white.
You think the person working behind the desk at the Bethlehem Holiday Inn Express would have put Mary in a manger if she was white? Trust me, Mary would have told them that her baby daddy was gonna come back and smite all of those bastards.
Don’t worry, Josh. Scientists recently discovered the gene that causes this particular disorder. It first emerged in 218 BC, when the Carthaginian general Hannibal invaded Italy with 20 to 40 elephants. A Roman noblewoman named Karenissima Maxima of Beckonia walked up to the legendary warriors and accused them of animal abuse. When told to get the hell out of the way, the entitled Roman adamantly demanded to “Posso parlare con il tuo capo.” which roughly translates to:
“May I speak to your manager?”
Also, I’m not trying to brag, but this series is about black social media, so I’ll allow it.
Also, if Wheel of Fortune is looking for someone to replace Vanna White, I think I just found her. As The Root’s social media editor Corey Townsend says:
“Everyone knows black women invented the color yellow.”