On top of the housing market still being in shambles, growing speculation that a second credit bust similar to the one that created the declining market we have now is on the horizon, I have even more great news about the state of the economy.
Things are going so well that cocaine dealers are starting to make house calls like an Avon lady, men aren’t buying new underwear the way they used to, and get this, more people are starting to venture into home barbering to save cash.
Yes this country is becoming a land full of begging drug dealers, men with questionable grooming habits, and hairstyles only blind people could appreciate.
But, there is a hint of good news out there. As it turns out, the added stresses from your economic woes may not do you in. Time reports new studies of population trends reveal that during economic downturns, mortality rates in developed economies decline rather than increase.
In other words: You’re less likely to die from a fatal car crash because there are far less cars on the road due to high unemployment.
Are you smiling yet?
Probably not, but have no fear, the words of a well-paid Hollywood actress are here.
Natalie Portman – the one from the Star Wars prequels who rapped Easy-E lyrics on SNL a while back – says now is the time to be excited!
"I think it’s kind of an exciting time. I mean, everyone is cutting back. It’s happening in every industry—including our own. All of a sudden, people are doing jobs that they hate and they’re not making as much money as they thought they would or they’ve lost their jobs entirely. I’ve started to see people looking more toward their own passions and what really excites them."
Tell me you’re full of glee now.
I never understand why celebrities fall for these types of questions, because no matter what they say they’re going to sound condescending and out-of-touch, especially to folks still working jobs they hate in order to pay for the spam they’re going to eat by a candle (one must save on that summer electric bill).
Then again, there is something to be said about the opportunity to start anew.
In a letter published on The Recession Diaries, one reader argued that losing her job provided her a new lease of life.
But do you really want to hear about how great pursing your passion can be from a rich person? Passion doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re knocked up by Lil’ Wayne.
The only rich person I want to hear from right now is Warren Buffett, and even he’s on a timeout.
But, I’d love to hear from you. Am I being too harsh and letting a positive message be lost by its messenger?
Leave your feedback below and send your recession stories to firstname.lastname@example.org
Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem and praises Beyoncé’s name wherever he goes. Follow him on Twitter.