Politics
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The Shutdown Could End Tomorrow But Dealing With Trump Is Like Negotiating With a Criminal
Before taking office, President Donald Trump shouted from the rafters about his ability to get deals done. He truly sold white America on his business acumen and ability to seal the deal. Now we all realize that his business methods are equivalent to a goon holding a debtor’s kids in a seedy basement until he…
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Claire McCaskill Hates on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez From Outside Congress Because She Can’t Even Get In
In a move that definitely does not make her an abject motherfucking hater, now-former Sen. Claire McCaskill has shared that she’s “confused” about Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez being “the thing.” According to CNN, in a thinly veiled attempt to give Ocasio-Cortez “advice” during an exit interview—a classic inroad to being a shady asshole—McCaskill (D-Mo.) stated that…
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Donald Trump Tells the Grinch to Hold His Beer: National Christmas Tree Unlit Due to Government Shutdown
The national Christmas tree in Washington, D.C., stood lightless and listless on Christmas Day, a casualty of the partial government shutdown, sending sectors of the country into a whirlwind of delays, stoppages and emergency adjustments to holiday plans. According to the Associated Press, several national parks had closed as a result of the government shutdown…
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Donald Trump Finally Got Off His Ass and Visited Troops in a Combat Zone for Christmas
Your “president” is trash. There are myriad reasons why, but to outline them all, we’d have to be here all day. Let’s just focus on the most recent and relevant example. It has become a presidential tradition to visit the troops at Christmas. It was something George W. Bush started in 2003 when he visited…
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Either Trump’s Daddy Helped Him Dodge Draft or ‘Bone Spurs’ Is the Medical Diagnosis for Cowardice: Report
It is well-known that Donald Trump suffers from the debilitating disease bitchniccaitis, which prevents him from performing presidential duties such as firing his staff in person or standing up to Vladimir Putin. Because of his illness, it took him nearly two years to visit U.S. soldiers in a war zone, and a recent flare-up of…
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Trump Gives Defense Secretary James Mattis the Boot 2 Months Early, as Told by Beyoncé Lyrics
“To the left, to the left Everything you own in the box to the left…” Days removed from being on the receiving end of one of the best reads in recent memory, our soon-to-be former Secretary of Defense James Mattis came home to find his Nikes on the curb and his car engulfed in flames…
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Our Government Is Shut Down Because All Trump Wanted for Christmas Was His Border Wall
While the rest of us are scouring Amazon and invading outlet malls to snatch up last minute Christmas gifts, our Commander-in-Tweet really wanted his U.S.-Mexico border wall so damn bad that he killed a bipartisan spending deal that would’ve avoided a government shutdown. As such, we now enter Day 2 of a partial shutdown in…
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Stephen Miller Left His Lacefront Back at the Crib, Does Interview Without His Spray-On Baby Hair
White House senior policy adviser Stephen Miller has started his natural no-hair journey. He’s ditched his canned quick-weave and told his barber to “pull the sunroof back” as he made a Thursday night appearance on CNN and host Wolf Blitzer didn’t say “I see that the back of your head has reached a peace treaty…
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Trump Tells Republicans to Go ‘Nuclear’ for Border Wall, GOP Tells Crazy Old Man to Go Sit Down
Senate Republicans have kindly told President “Boarder” Wall to go fuck himself over his claims that they should change Senate rules to bully funding for his dumb as Lego Wall along the Mexican border. “I’ve long said that eliminating the legislative filibuster would be a mistake,” said outgoing Senate Finance Committee Chairman Orrin Hatch (R-Utah)…
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James Mattis Wrote a Resignation Letter That Is an Incredibly Subtle and Shady Read on Donald Trump
On Thursday afternoon, your “president” got on Twitter to announce that Secretary of Defense James Mattis would be “retiring” at the end of February. “General Jim Mattis will be retiring, with distinction, at the end of February, after having served my Administration as Secretary of Defense for the past two years. During Jim’s tenure, tremendous…