Politics
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When a Black Construction Bag Filled With Dog Poop Interviews a Presidential Colostomy Bag
Jason Whitlock is a black construction bag filled with vomit and precious white things placed inside the bed of a white man’s pickup truck next to a pair of king’s boots that he occasionally rubs for sustenance. If Jason Whitlock was stranded in the desert and God was willing to grant him one item of…
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The Trump Administration Can’t Find the Parents of 545 Migrant Children They Took at the Border
Because the Trump administration was created to show us exactly what the devil looks like, in 2018 they issued a “zero-tolerance” border-crossing policy that separated migrant children at the southern U.S. border from their parents and enslaved them in cages. Then it turned out that the administration had been separating migrant children from their families…
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Rudy Giuliani Caught With Hand in His Pants in New Borat Movie
President Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani is continuing his lifelong reputation of being dried-up elephant hawk-spit after he was caught on film reaching into his pants and touching his genitals while lying on a bed with a woman he believed was a journalist but was actually an actor in Borat’s new movie, Borat Subsequent Moviefilm.…
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Looks Like Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz Was Out Here Twerking for Trump to Get Low Hotel Rates
Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz (R) has been battling South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham (R) for who will get to bronze the president’s testicles and keep them in their suit jacket pocket, closest to their heart. While no one will beat Graham’s commitment and penchant for punishment, it looks like Gaetz didn’t walk away empty-handed, as…
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Here's What Will Likely Happen on Election Day: Part 1
On Tuesday, November 3, 2020, America will choose the next president of the United States. Maybe. The 2020 election is fraught with more unknowables than any other election in American history. Not only do we not know whether Donald John Trump or Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. will serve as America’s next president, but we also…
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Tennessee Poll Worker Fired After Turning Away Voters in Black Lives Matter Shirts
A poll worker in Memphis was fired after refusing to allow people wearing “Black Lives Matter” shirts to vote. County Election Commission spokeswoman Suzanne Thompson told the Associated Press that the worker was fired on Friday after officials received a call from someone who witnessed a person be turned away. “What he did was patently…
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Eric Trump Is the Dumbest Trump. Tiffany Trump: Hold My Bud Light Lime-A-Rita
Before polling began, America would have assumed that Eric Trump was the dumbest Trump. But a new poll from “Fuck these kids” has found that Tiffany Trump is surging in Southern states and places where white people wear shorts all year round despite the weather. Like the human embodiment of pajama pants with some suggestive…
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Trump Stopped a Top Secret Intelligence Briefing to Order a Milkshake
Maybe the president of people who know what the hell malts are was just trying to bring the Proud Boys to the yard when he halted a highly classified briefing about Afghanistan to invite a waiter into the proceedings to order a milkshake. According to Politico, shortly after the president of people who make boxed…