Politics
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I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream…at Senator Mark Warner's Mayo Abomination of a Sandwich
If we can find just one moment of national unity this week, let it be the collective scream we all let out as Virginia Senator Mark Warner dumped a Mitch McConnell-sized helping of mayonnaise on what we’ve been told is a tuna melt. “Senator’s mayo-heavy tuna melt met with jeers” crowed CNN. “Virginia Sen. Mark…
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Trump Lies, Science Doesn't. So Scientists Aren’t Faring Well With This Administration
I’m currently dating Tracee Ellis Ross. That is a lie. Anyone who knows me knows that she and I broke up a while ago. Whatever. I didn’t like seafood and she wouldn’t hear of it. My dating Tracee Ellis Ross is a lie, but in Trump’s world, there are a few unsophisticated ways that I…
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Twitter Fingers: President Troll Face Just Tweeted That He Wants Iranian Gunboats ‘Shot Down’ for Trolling
President 6ix9ine is about to get us into a shitload of shit during a global pandemic when no one can safely leave the goddamn house without a full-on gas mask. On Wednesday, for some reason—and that reason is probably that the “wartime president” is losing the silent war against the coronavirus—the president instructed the U.S.…
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Black Georgia Democrat Who Endorsed Trump Has Blexited the Building: ‘Turn the Lights Off, I Have Left the Plantation’
Georgia Rep. Vernon Jones, the Kanye West of Candace Owenses, has resigned by announcing that he won’t be seeking reelection just a week after endorsing President Donald Trump. “Turn the lights off, I have left the plantation,” Jones said in a statement, AJC reports. “Someone else can occupy that suite. Therefore, I intend not to…
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Trump Says He Will Suspend Immigration Into the United States. Now If He Could Only Get Someone to Write the Executive Order
Trump is a victim of poor performance. According to several Russian prostitutes whom I didn’t speak with but will speak for, the president tends to jump the gun. On Tuesday, Trump’s minions—also known as his administration—were hurrying to get together an executive order after Trump late-night tweeted to Vladimir Putin “Hey, big head. You up?”…
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When Did White House Correspondent Yamiche Alcindor Become a Necklace? Because She Stays on Trump’s Neck
If you were to ask PBS NewsHour White House correspondent Yamiche Alcindor to send you her location, you would get a ping that shows the White House and a response that says, “She’s on the president’s neck.” On Monday, during a Trump rally disguised as a coronavirus press briefing, the president tried to run one…
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Congressional Black Caucus PAC Unanimously Endorses Joe Biden for President [Corrected]
Members of the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) have been lining up behind former Vice President Joe Biden for months. Biden has all but claimed the Democratic nomination for president, and the CBC PAC has now officially unanimously endorsed him for president. The Associated Press reports that the CBC PAC endorsed Biden on Monday in a…
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Disgraced Former Trump Attorney Michael Cohen to be Freed From Prison Early Because of the Coronavirus’ Proximity to His Valuable White Lungs
Brilliant comedian Chris Rock had this bit during his comedy special Bigger and Blacker in which he “joked” that there isn’t a white person in the room who would be willing to trade places with him and he’s rich. I know I’m paraphrasing here but, he explained that for even a downtrodden white person, it…