Politics
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Trump Won’t Do Virtual Debate, Wants to Take His Coronavirus on the Road Instead
President Trump wants to yell at Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden in person or he doesn’t want to yell at all. On Thursday, the organizing commission of the debates announced that in order to protect Biden from getting the president’s coronavirus—which the president claims is gone and healed, because God—they wanted to move the debates…
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The Fly and Blood in Mike Pence’s Eye: 5 Takeaways From the Vice Presidential Debate
So it happened. The Mike Tyson and Roy Jones of vice-presidential candidates finally faced off behind plexiglass, and to quote former Arizona head coach Dennis Green, “They are who we thought they were.” Mike Pence proved to be a robotic version of the president’s agenda and Sen. Kamala Harris didn’t have time for the vice…
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Trump: Stimulus Talks Are Off Unless I Win! Also Trump: My Bad, Stimulus Talks are Back On
President Quid Pro Quo tried to hold America’s stimulus checks hostage because he’s a master negotiator, and by “master,” I mean mafia. The stable genius, who was quite possibly hopped up on COVID-19 medication, went on a full “Get off my lawn” Twitter-rant that called for the end of stimulus negotiations in Congress until he…
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Mike Pence Objected to the Plexiglass for Tonight's Debate. Now He’s Fine With It. Could It Have Anything to Do With Stephen Miller Testing Positive for Coronavirus?
White America’s Vice President Mike Pence knows that he’s in trouble. On Wednesday night, he has to sit across from a debate pitbull and explain all of the things that his administration has ruined—the handling of the coronavirus, the economy, the failure to reach a news stimulus deal, unemployment, the connection between the Popeyes chicken…
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The Real Reason for the Plexiglass and Other Things to Watch for in Wednesday’s Vice Presidential Debate
Turns out that the social distancing and plexiglass requirements during Wednesday’s presidential debate had nothing to do with the coronavirus pandemic, as Vice President Mike Pence (the man who doesn’t dine with women alone) needs these protections if he’s going to be on stage with a woman alone. This may have something to do with…
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Michelle Obama Did Not Come to Play With You or Your Little Friends in Voter Video Message: ‘7 Months Later and He Still Won’t Wear a Mask’
The former first lady took a break from exfoliating, drinking water from the Nigerian Alps and frolicking in a garden covered in angel feathers to make a final pitch to the American people–to whom she owes nothing—to “vote for Joe Biden like your lives depend on it.” In a recently released and highly critical 24-minute…
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Trump: I Got the Coronavirus to Prove I Could Beat It Because That’s What Leaders Do!
President Outbreak Monkey left Walter Reed Military National Military Medical Center Monday night and then took his highly infectious ass up to a White House balcony where he removed his mask and waved to the crowd looking like he was going to vomit or cough. He was out of breath and looked like he was…
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Survey Shows Black Voters Are Fired Up to Vote Trump Out, With Many Planning to Vote in Person
With less than a month before Election Day, organizations across the country are ramping up their efforts to get out the vote in what could be the most tumultuous election in modern history. President Donald Trump has suggested that he will not concede the election if he loses, and it’s still unclear how the novel…
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Trump's Going Home and Tweets ‘Don’t Be Afraid of COVID.’ Oh, and His Campaign Is Attacking Joe Biden for Not Catching the Coronavirus
Stop me if you’ve heard this before: The president is using Twitter to spread misinformation about COVID-19. OK, that was a gimme. Stop me if you don’t believe the president ever tested positive for COVID-19 and is using this diagnosis like a stunt to garner more support and move people away from the fact that…
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A Coronavirus Cotillion: White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany Tests Positive for COVID-19
White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, affectionately called McEnemyOfTheState, has tested positive for COVID-19, bringing the most recent White House positives to at least 16, and all of whom have either been at the White House—which is now looking a lot like a Coronavirus Cotillion—or circled Trump’s orbit. “After testing negative consistently, including every day…