Politics
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Here's What Will Likely Happen on Election Day: Part 1
On Tuesday, November 3, 2020, America will choose the next president of the United States. Maybe. The 2020 election is fraught with more unknowables than any other election in American history. Not only do we not know whether Donald John Trump or Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. will serve as America’s next president, but we also…
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Tennessee Poll Worker Fired After Turning Away Voters in Black Lives Matter Shirts
A poll worker in Memphis was fired after refusing to allow people wearing “Black Lives Matter” shirts to vote. County Election Commission spokeswoman Suzanne Thompson told the Associated Press that the worker was fired on Friday after officials received a call from someone who witnessed a person be turned away. “What he did was patently…
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Eric Trump Is the Dumbest Trump. Tiffany Trump: Hold My Bud Light Lime-A-Rita
Before polling began, America would have assumed that Eric Trump was the dumbest Trump. But a new poll from “Fuck these kids” has found that Tiffany Trump is surging in Southern states and places where white people wear shorts all year round despite the weather. Like the human embodiment of pajama pants with some suggestive…
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Trump Stopped a Top Secret Intelligence Briefing to Order a Milkshake
Maybe the president of people who know what the hell malts are was just trying to bring the Proud Boys to the yard when he halted a highly classified briefing about Afghanistan to invite a waiter into the proceedings to order a milkshake. According to Politico, shortly after the president of people who make boxed…
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Former White House National Security Adviser: Trump ‘Will Not Leave Graciously’ If He Loses 2020 Election
Former White House National Security Adviser John Bolton, brother of Michael and Ramsey, claims that the orange walrus in the White House won’t leave quietly if he loses the upcoming presidential election. Bolton told CNN’s Jake Tapper that the mishandling of the coronavirus pandemic is proof that Trump doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing…
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Trump Bashes Dr. Fauci During Campaign Call: 'He’s a Disaster and an Idiot'
President Trumprona Virus opened his anus-shaped mouth to bash the nation’s top infectious-disease expert, Dr. Anthony Fauci, claiming that he and the rest of the scientists working to stop the spread of the coronavirus are all “idiots.” “People are tired of COVID. I have these huge rallies. People are saying whatever. Just leave us alone.…
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How President Trump Went to Church and Became Every Broke Man at the Strip Club
There aren’t many times where I can say that President Trump and I share anything in common. In fact, there aren’t any. Not one. Then, President Trump went to the International Church of Las Vegas on Sunday, and he looked just as uncomfortable as most men do when they walk into the strip club sober.…
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Tennessee Lawmaker Blames ‘Inner City’ Obesity Rates on Fried Chicken, 7-Eleven Stores
A Republican state senator running for reelection drew criticism this past week over bizarre comments he gave to a local TV station, claiming that high obesity rates in the “inner city” were due to eating fried chicken. “The obesity rate in the inner city is bigger than anywhere else. Because what do they do, they…
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White House Warned That Rudy Giuliani Was Target of Russia Misinformation Campaign, and Trump Just Jordan Shrugged
Turns out that America isn’t the only country that’s aware of how fucking stupid Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani is. According to a scathing report in the Washington Post, Russia also knows of Rudy’s inability to comprehend basic addition, so he was targeted as a way to push misinformation to Trump, and he didn’t know…