Some Thoughts
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Bubble Guppies, Explained
What is a Bubble Guppy? No idea. None? No. A Bubble Guppy could be at my desk, right now, on a FaceTime call with Jason Derulo, and all I’d be thinking is “Where are his pants?” Whose pants? I don’t know. You’re not making any sense. Ask better questions. Okay. So why are you doing…
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Please Say 'Sike'
April Fools is a white holiday and I hate it. I even hate the word “prank.” It sounds like a fart that accidentally came out of a penis. Pranks. How many black people do you know who were involved in a prank? Even its synonyms are stupid. I bet you’ve never witnessed a negro “caper.”…
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10 Things Everyone Loves but I Pretty Much Hate
So there’s an unpopular opinion prompt thing going around Facebook—where you’re asked to list 10 things everyone loves but you kinda hate. I sometimes get annoyed with these sort of things because people don’t follow the rules and just start listing things that everyone hates (“1. funerals.”), but thankfully people haven’t been doing that with…
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How to Be a Successful Writer in 2020
It’s a question I’m asked during book talks, while signing books after said talks, on panels, in emails, through DMs, at happy hours, and even once in between games at LA Fitness. I try to be as transparent as possible, but the honest answer (“I can tell you what worked for me, but there’s no…
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Are We Obligated to Snitch on and Publicly Shame Coronavirus Deniers?
If you’re the type of person who believes, for instance, that AIDS can be cured with paprika, your belief is definitely dangerous, and you probably need some lotion. But because the Venn diagram of “people who think mailboxes cause diabetes” and “people living in their aunt’s basements who still write their names on their orange…
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A Social Distancing Silver Lining? The Complete Eradication of Small Talk
If you know me, it shouldn’t be a shock to you that this social distancing thing feels specifically tailored for me—-a bespoke social mandate. (If you don’t know me, I’m a Capricorn and apparently an INTJ; distinctions that greatly matter to the people they matter to, and don’t mean shit to anyone else.) Of course…
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You're Working From Home, Stressed, and Want to Defeat the Coronavirus? Masturbate!
In just the past 24 hours, the NBA suspended its season, the NCAA suspended most conference tournaments (and, by the time you read this, might have already postponed the NCAA tournament), countless schools and universities have shuttered their campuses, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson revealed that they have the coronavirus, and we were collectively reminded,…
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Donald Trump Will NOT Catch the Coronavirus, So Don't Pray For It to Happen or Try to Speak It Into Existence
I’m not quite sure when exactly it happened, but at some point in the past week my coronavirus-related anxiety shifted from “this is a thing I should think about, I guess” to “this is a thing I should actively worry about.” Even if we’re able to effectively contain the spread of it, it now seems…
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My Life as a Black Who Flies First Class
“What do you call a black man in first class?” I asked the gate agent, as I stood first in the first-class line, so I could be first in first class. I like to be first in first class, so I can sit first and watch all the white people watching me, the black man…
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10 Reasons Why Inviting White People to the Mythical 'Cookout' Is Stupid and Silly and Needs to Stop Forever
1. Because it’s stupid and silly. 2. Because you’re fucking goofy for thinking this is cool. 3. Because cookout meat is precious and sacred and not meant to be shared with interlopers, gentrifiers, and Travis Fucking Kelce. 4. Because the bar for what constitutes “cookout invites” is lower than Rush Limbaugh’s life expectancy. 5. Because…