It’s Valentine’s Day; South Africa Just Dumped Its Leader and America Should Be Next

President Donald Trump and first lady Melania Trump (Alex Wong/Getty Images)
President Donald Trump and first lady Melania Trump (Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Valentine’s Day 2018 is the perfect day for America to finally end its rebounding relationship with Donald Trump. We all know it’s been hard to get over Barack: He took America to meet his family in Kenya, brought some flowers for the National Portrait Gallery; we all know he was a good guy and America misses him.


Seriously, though, what nation in its right mind would want to stay with a leader who is constantly threatening the press, is mired in corruption and built his career on racism, and who was not only accused of rape but also led chants of “Burn the bitch” against his political opponent? All of this sounds a lot like Trump, and you’d think America would say “Boy, bye” to that kind of leader—but we’re still playing “he picked me for less than the popular vote” with President Crotch Grabber.

Believe it or not, the aforementioned actions are by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and/or South African President Jacob Zuma. But unlike the United States, those two nations have had enough and told their leaders that they’ll be sleeping on the couch until the divorce is final. Who knew it would take two second world nations with a bit of backbone to remind America of how dating while democratic is supposed to get done?

On Tuesday, South Africa’s ruling national party, the African National Congress, called for President Jacob Zuma to step down by Valentine’s Day or face a no-confidence vote. And you know what? He did it. You know that old anthem “When a Nation’s Fed Up”? Well, Zuma had this coming to him.

From 2005 to the present day, Jacob Zuma has been on one. He’s spent the last decade fighting off 783 counts of bribery and racketeering from an illegal arms deal. He was charged with raping an HIV-positive daughter of a political ally, then claimed that he “took a shower” after sex to make sure he didn’t have HIV. Then he went outside the courtroom and led chants of “Burn the bitch.”

Then he “consensually” knocked up another friend’s daughter. A friend who happened to be chairman of the South African World Cup committee and owner of the popular Orlando Pirates soccer team. That would be like Trump knocking up Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s daughter, then turning around and asking him to promote Boston as the next Summer Olympics site. Zuma did most of this after he was elected to office in 2009. Yes, South Africa was ready to swipe left.

Since Valentine’s Day seems to be the perfect opportunity to cut out of a bad relationship while you still can, the Israeli government has followed the South African example.


On Tuesday, Israeli police announced that they had “sufficient evidence” to charge Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu with bribery, fraud and “breach of trust.” 

Netanyahu, who has been in office since ’09, tried to buy off a newspaper that was critical of him, authorities charge. Then, in exchange for expensive gifts and favors, he arranged for visas and tried to push through a massive tax cut for Arnon Milchan, a big-time Hollywood producer ( movies like Pretty Woman, JFK and 12 Years a Slave) who wanted to move to Israel, officials say.


How did Bibi get caught and who ratted him out? Yair Lapid, leader of the Yesh Atid party that is part of Netanyahu’s governing coalition, dropped a dime on the prime minister and has publicly asked him to step down from power. When asked by the press why he stood up to Netanyahu’s pressure, he said:

In this instance as in other instances, Yesh Atid was the last barrier against government corruption, in the face of politicians occupied solely with themselves and their own well-being.


Bang, bang! Shots fired!

Can you imagine House Speaker Paul Ryan or Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ever flipping for special counsel Robert Mueller because the Republican Party was the last barrier against corruption? Can you imagine the Republican Party standing up to Trump’s various wife-beating, sexually assaulting cronies and calling for their removal? Of course not. These guys think #MeToo is a call-and-response for who gets to kiss Trump’s butt at the next staff meeting.


In high school, we’re taught that American presidents are kept in check by more checks and balances than a block of Wells Fargos, but nobody is doing anything in America about Trump.

Yet, less democratic states like South Africa have managed to remove a corrupt leader, and in Israel, even if Netanyahu puts up a fight, it’s clear that members of his own coalition are willing to hold him accountable if he strays too far.


America used to be savage like that. The Senate voted on Bill Clinton’s impeachment right before Valentine’s Day, over a blow job. Yet somehow, the nation has lost its way with the current trash president, while others act like the nation we used to be.

On Wednesday, the ANC bought Zuma a nice Nando’s gift certificate and a one-way ticket to GTFOH-istan. In Israel, if Netanyahu somehow survives the charges against him, there’s no chance he’ll be his party’s leader by the 2019 elections.


America should totally join the Break Up With Your Terrible Leader Club today. Impeach Trump now; invoke the 25th Amendment; do something! There’s no reason to let this dead relationship drag on for four more years.


Hyperbolic Idiot Chamber

Except bibi has no intention of stepping down.