In Crazy-Wypipo News, Police Arrest Drunken Man Who Says He’s From the Future, and I Believe Him Because ...

Bryant Johnson (Casper, Wyo., Police Department)
Bryant Johnson (Casper, Wyo., Police Department)

Wyoming police officers arrested a man on charges of public intoxication who tried to explain to them that he needed to talk to the “president of the town” because he was from the future and needed to help people.


According to K2 Radio, on Monday night around 10:30, Casper, Wyo., cops say that they arrested Bryant Johnson for public intoxication when they received a disturbance call from a home in the town. When they arrived, police say, they found Johnson and he was clearly intoxicated. He told the police that he was from the year 2048 and claimed that he came back to help people.

Johnson told the officers that he was able to transcend time by filling his body with alcohol and standing on a giant pad, but that he accidentally ended up in the wrong year, authorities say. He asked to speak to the president of the town of Casper so that he could warn them about the alien invasion that would happen in the near future.


Instead of taking him to Casper’s president and saving the world, the cops instead transported Johnson to the local hospital, but when he caused too much of a disturbance in the emergency room, police booked him into jail, charged with public intoxication.

While I can sense you laughing (I have a very good internet connection), here’s why I actually believe Johnson:

1. You know white people are going to be the first time-travelers.

I’m not saying white people are smarter, but when someone finally invents the time machine, I’ll bet all $34 in my bank account that some brave white guy is going to hop right in. White people love to try dangerous shit like BASE jumping, whitewater rafting and crystal meth. You can’t even convince some black people to walk through a haunted house, much less a wormhole that traverses the space-time continuum.

Nah, muhfucka. The only person who can talk me into going into an unknown dark place is Harriet Tubman, who famously never said: “I freed a thousand slaves, and I could’ve freed a thousand more if only they weren’t skeptical of the Caucasian hiding places on the Underground Railroad.”

White people telling us to get into suspicious vessels is how we got here in the first place.


2. Did you see his haircut?

Either he’s from the future or his barber was drunk, too.

3. He probably came back to see Donald Trump.

When our great-grandchildren read about the Trump presidency, they will be shocked that America elected a pussy-grabbing, draft-dodging, bankrupt, Russia-colluding reality-show host doused in General Tso’s chicken sauce as the leader of the country. I’m sure they’ll eventually erase it from the history books like how they eliminated Black Wall Street from textbooks or they never mention that Alexander Dumas, the man who wrote The Three Musketeers, was black.


I bet Johnson read about Trump in some obscure book, put some gas in the time machine and said, “I gotta see this!”

4. He probably wanted to warn the “alt-right.”

What if Bryant Johnson came back to tell the white supremacists not to worry about the whole “white genocide” thing? Maybe he just wanted to assure them that white people were going to be all right, and we screwed it all up.


Fucking cops.

5. Liquor made me time-travel once.

In 1994, in Atlanta, at a leadership conference commonly known as “Freaknik,” and cheered on by my fraternity brothers, I engaged in a friendly game of quarters against someone twice my size and whose liver was obviously more experienced at processing cheap tequila. The next thing I know ...


That’s all I remember.

But I’m pretty sure I visited Narnia in the year 3098. It was beautiful, too. I talked to a saber-toothed tiger that suspiciously had the same voice as my line brother but could only say, “You a’ight, Mike?” Everything was kind of hazy and unfocused, but I recall playing spades with Jesus, my grandmother and Thelma from Good Times. Just before I ran a Boston on my grandma and our Lord and Savior, I woke up.


That’s the same thing, right?

Also, if you ever run into a woman name Sharita in Atlanta who wants to play quarters for shots, don’t do it!


6. Maybe killer aliens from outer space are real.

How can we be sure that Bryant Johnson wasn’t sent back to 2017 to tell the president to add people from the Zebulon Galaxy X7 to the travel-ban executive order? If you believe that terrorists sworn to kill and destroy our lives will stop coming to this country because Trump wrote it on a piece of paper with a presidential seal, then you likely believe that a time traveler could stop an alien invasion.


That’s just science.

Now, I’m not saying that Johnson maybe isn’t just another crazy Caucasian who drank too much Wild Turkey while listening to Led Zeppelin and went temporarily batshit. But we shouldn’t be so quick to eliminate the possibility that he was sent here to save the planet and he forgot his light saber and his semi-automatic molecular Star Trek phaser with the bump stock and the banana clip (even in 2048, the NRA won’t let Republicans pass phaser control).


Plus, when the aliens come and they say “Take me to your leader,” will you be comfortable sending them to Donald Trump, or will you wish we’d perhaps listened to a drunken Wyoming white boy?

I’m just saying ...

Read more at K2 Radio.


Denzel Washyourtongue

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?