'I'm White! I Got You, Girl!': #SouthParkSusan Narrowly Escapes Mollywhopping

Illustration for article titled 'I'm White! I Got You, Girl!': #SouthParkSusan Narrowly Escapes Mollywhopping
Screenshot: Charlotte Observer

My mother called it “cruising for a bruising.” Some places refer to it as “begging for a butt-whipping.” In my South Carolina hometown, old-timers would often ask if you wanted them to “go to your goat-smelling.”


Whatever you call it in your neck of the woods, the Charlotte Observer reports that charges are pending in the case of a white woman seemingly trying to become the centerpiece of the time-honored ceremony formally called “The whipping of arse.”

On Friday, Facebook user Chele Garris of Charlotte, N.C., posted several videos of an October 19 incident when a middle-aged white woman (I think that’s how you refer to someone who was apparently born during the middle-ages because she looks like she was conceived at a Renaissance fair) approached Garris and her relative in the parking lot, referring to at least one of the black women as a “bitch” and asking “Is your baby daddy here?”

The group was minding their own business waiting for help from AAA when the white woman, who has been dubbed #SouthParkSusan, summoned her fugitive slave-catching DNA and asked the woman if they lived in the South Park neighborhood where the decrepit Becky began questioning them. The video shows the black women repeatedly telling South Park Susan that she was harassing them, to no avail.

I’m hot, I’m beautiful, I’m white,” the woman says in the video, although our forensic experts who used advanced technology called eyes determined that was a lie. “This is Myers Park, South Park. What are you doing here?””

After the women call 911, the deputized neighborhood watch-lady seems to threaten the black women, asking: “Do I need to bring out my concealed weapon, too? This is North Carolina by the way.”

“I’m in front of my home,” Garris tells 911. “My car’s bad. I called AAA. This lady is bothering me in front of my door. Do you hear her?”


Police have not released the name of Parking Lot Patty, but a local cable company identified the woman as Susan Westwood, a now-former employee who was terminated for her conduct.


Although Westwood becomes one of the first reported incidents of a white woman who was fired on her day off, people across the country are praising Garris for her patience and nonviolent stance.


The Root could not confirm if the women had locked their can of whoop-ass in the car and needed help from a locksmith or if they were kind enough to spare South Park Susan a beatdown because they felt sorry for her when they realized that even the Most High wasn’t too fond of the colonizer. Everyone in North Carolina already knows:

God don’t like ugly.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.



I understand drunk, entitled, racist, and just fucking mean, but what I don’t get is how in this Year of Our Lord 2018 these dumb assholes STILL don’t understand how the internet work.