Senate Democrats successfully filibustered the confirmation of Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch, sparking a series of contentious moves that will likely result in ... well ... the confirmation of Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch.
Senate Republicans failed to get the 60 votes needed to overcome a filibuster, landing 55 votes in favor of closing the floor debate to 45 votes against—moving to the “majority wins” portion of Supreme Court Final Jeopardy. The upper chamber had debated the nomination since Tuesday, including a 15-hour speech by Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore.), who presumably stopped only because he had to pee.
The political implications of this move are wide-ranging, but for the sake of brevity and levity, please enjoy The Root’s dramatization of the next few days in the Senate in the first-ever dramatic pre-enactment:
Republicans: Good sirs, why might you be obstructing the will of the people and the Constitution by filibustering our stellar nominee?
Democrats: Nah, bruh. Don’t act like we forgot what you did when you blocked our Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland. This is payback.
Republicans: How dare you! We only engaged in that nefarious activity because it was an election year! Don’t you know the Biden rule? Plus, after men with strong names like “Thurgood” and “Antonin,” how could your party nominate someone with such a wimpy name like “Merrick”? Don’t concern your head about it, though. We’ll just use the nuclear option!
Democrats: First of all, unless you’re referring to that thing uncles do when they point their fingers as they make a clicking sound, there is no such thing as the “Biden rule.” Secondly, what’s the “nuclear option”? Is that when someone farts into a heating vent? Because that sounds awful.
Republicans: No, dear fellow! The “nuclear option” is how we will change the rules of the Senate to require a simple majority to confirm Supreme Court justices.
Democrats: But we only changed the rules because you guys obstructed every Cabinet appointee, law and move President Obama tried to make! Obama could’ve offered free Electric Slide lessons and complimentary Krispy Kremes to every white person in America, and you still would’ve filibustered it! Plus, we only used the nuclear option for lower-court nominees, not for the Supreme Court, because a lifetime appointees should have a higher threshold!
Republicans: Let me tell you how much this sucks for you: We get the nominee we always wanted, and your filibuster doesn’t really make a difference, except for one thing: You forced us to change the rules! Now, if there’s another Supreme Court vacancy soon, your party doesn’t even have a say!
Democrats: Wait ... what? How did you do that Jedi mind trick? So that’s why Mitch McConnell looks like a tall version of Yoda! I hate you! You’re evil!
Republicans: I know. That’s why I farted in your heating vent. Don’t forget to make America great again! Goodbye!
