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Booger Says a Beautiful Thing
Every week, just outside of Charleston, S.C., hundreds of (mostly white) people pay for tours of the beautiful antebellum home that housed generations of white enslavers at the Magnolia Gardens Plantation. The home is located on the Ashley River, surrounded by a romantic-style botanical garden that was built and cared for by the enslaved. The…
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Black Paranoia and the COVID Vaccine, Explained
Hey, Racist Baby! How are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while. What does that even mean, you little baby bigot? Wait…are you trying to say “As-Salaam-Alaikum?” Stop it, my little tyke nationalist. You’re going too far. Please don’t tell me your racist parents have turned you into an anti-masker. Well. my little…
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Newly Elected Black Santa Could Leave Millions Giftless
The newly elected Black CEO in charge of the charity startup founded in a small Bethlehem manger before moving to its sprawling North Pole headquarters has issued a slate of groundbreaking policies that could result in a very unmerry Christmas for millions of children around the globe. Although many people stupidly assume one person has…
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10 Things You Should Buy With Your COVID Check
Late yesterday evening, Congress passed a wide-ranging relief bill that will send $600 to every taxpayer making less than $75,000. I haven’t done the math but, that probably only leaves out Bill Gates, Oprah and maybe Beyoncé. Thankfully, the kind folks in the federal legislature have graciously doled out enough money to sustain unemployed broke-asses…
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Locked Up a Broad: COVID Karen Appeals to Trump After Coronavirus Incarceration In Caymans
In the latest example of “the man” keeping a good Caucasian woman down, the family of an 18-year-old Georgia woman has asked the Trump administration to intervene in her unusually fair jail sentence for flouting COVID-19 protocols in the Cayman Islands. Due in part to strict regulations (pdf) requiring all visitors to undergo testing, followed…
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The Root's Clapback Mailbag: The Unreasonable Black Man
I believe most people are reasonable. In fact, there is an objective legal test called the “reasonable man” theory. Basically, when a judge or jury is trying to determine whether or not someone is guilty of a crime—especially negligence—the judge or jury must ask themselves if a reasonable man would act this way. If the…
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Joe Biden Wouldn't be the Next President If Not for 'Defund the Police'
In the beginning, God took six days to create the Earth, all of the animals and humans. Adam and Eve, the original Michelle and Barack, were living the life, running around butt-naked until Lucifer, an incredibly talented choir director, ruined everything by convincing Eve to serve Adam a tainted fruit salad. That’s why people die.…
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An Open Letter to Black People About Your Upcoming Superpowers
Dear Prospective SuperNegroes, By now you should have received your certified letter informing you that people of African descent will receive superpowers on Dec. 21, when Jupiter and Saturn align for the first time in nearly 400 years. According to researchers at the University of Twitter, this will unlock the melanated magic in Black people,…
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There Is No Such Thing as 'Trumpism'
Our long national nightmare is over. Can you see the latest class of insightful pundits furiously crafting the narrative? Listen closely and you can hear the whirring wheels of the spin doctors’ myth machine. If you squint, you can see them gathering the cattle excrement from which they will weave a blanket of bullshit out…
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The 2020 Wypipo Awards
In 2018, The Root embarked upon a mission to prove our commitment to the “It’s OK to be White” movement by honoring the notable achievements of America’s underwashclothed community. Despite owning more Grammys, Tonys, Oscars and Emmys for the music, art and culture created by Black folks, we tend to ignore the most important aspect…
