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Tiger Woods As Mac Daddy Santa Is The Gift America Deserves, But Not The One It Needs Right Now
For the past 30 or so years, I’ve been in possession of and possessed with an amorphous and unwieldy void lurking within me — a bottomless abyss of “eh, I guess” — and I’ve taken great pains to fulfill it. Sometimes with plans and people. Sometimes with Pittsburgh and really nice pants. Sometimes with pancakes and…
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What's The Second Best Booty Song Of All-Time?
Ok, ok, ok. Let’s start with the obvious question(s): Why the hell are you writing something about the second best something of all time? Wouldn’t it make more sense to determine, I don’t know, the BEST booty song ever instead of the second best? No one gives a damn about second. Including Drake, who famously once…
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It's Bad That Russia Influenced The Election, But It's Even Worse That 60 Million Deplorables Did Too
Raise your hand you knew, before this year, that the electors chosen in each state — the people who actually determine who the next president will be — could, if they want to, decide to opt out and choose against their state’s wishes. Ok, I see a few of you in the back with your…
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I'm Scared To Death Of Randomly Dying And This Embarrasses The Fuck Out Of Me
This time last year, with weight that I’m perfectly fine with calling “pregnancy weight” despite the fact that the gain began before my wife became pregnant still attached to my thighs, my face, and my gut, I weighted approximately 225 pounds. I was 199 when stepping on the scale this morning. I do not feel…
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Is "Homie" Spelled Homie Or Homey? (Hint: It's Totally, Definitely, Absolutely Homie)
Yesterday, the homie (See how I spelled it there?) Samantha Irby posted a Facebook status where she shared a conversation she had with her copyeditor about a line in her new book. Samantha spelled homie “homie” (the right way), but her editor suggested that homey is the preferred spelling. This spawned a debate on her page,…
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Kanye West Is What Happens When Whiteness Becomes The Standard
Admittedly, reminding myself that Whiteness isn’t any sort of standard to measure myself by is a concept I still wrestle with. Even today, as I’m acknowledging the existence of White privilege, of White supremacy, and of the creation of Whiteness, I have to consciously urge myself not to allow it to infect me. But it’s so pervasive,…
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Selfies Are Stupid Trash Shitty Pictures And We Need To Stop Taking Them
For the last week or so, there’s been a trend on Facebook where people post statuses asking their friends to list their most unpopular non-political opinions; a prompt that has resulted in threads occasionally stretching hundreds of replies long. This has both amused and annoyed me, mainly because (approximately) 98% of the replies are people just…
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This Cartoon Me Is Giving The Real Me Beard Envy And I Want To Take It On A Date
This cartoon me — created by GQ for my profile there — is giving the real me beard envy. Deadly serious beard envy. Like, I look at this beard the same way Kappas look at Benetton mannequins. Now, don’t get me wrong. My beard is nice. (Hi beard!) Well, its nicer now than it has ever…
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Its Time To Stop Allowing Ourselves To Be Seduced By Shitty White Women
Tomi Lahren is a terrible person. Not misunderstood. Or just a conservative. Or capital letter White. Or even very problematic. No, she is an abjectly awful person. She says abhorrent and hateful things, and has leveraged this abhorrence and hate to give herself a larger platform to infect more people with it and make more money…
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The World's Most Overrated Things, Ranked, From Least Overrated To Most Overrated
(Remember, overrated doesn’t mean bad. Just that the perception of a certain thing is greater than its reality.) 10. Sweet Potato Pumpkin Pie (I refuse to delineate between the two because they’re the exact same fucking thing.) 9. Spleens (Are supposed to protect you from infections. But niggas die from infections every day. And I have…
