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I’m Scared to Death I Won’t Be Able to Protect My 2-Year-Old Daughter From Her Own Country
Full disclosure: The headline is a lie. My daughter isn’t actually 2 years old yet. She’ll be 2 next month. But I remember, before she was born, making fun of parents who’d tell you their child’s age in months instead of years. And then I became one of those parents. So today, this is me…
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‘Grits With Sugar’ Are the White People of Breakfast Grains and Hot Cereals
I grew up in a household where all breakfast grains and hot cereals mattered. Oatmeal? Mattered. Cream of Wheat? Mattered. Grits? Mattered. Ralston? Mattered. And just in case the last two sentences confused you, know that 1) “Ralston” is not a typo because 2) Ralston is a very yummy and grainy hot cereal that 3)…
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Everyone Is Stupid. When Did Everyone Get So Stupid? Has Everyone Always Been This Stupid?
Ray Lewis dresses like a guilty man. This is what immediately came to mind yesterday as I was reading that the Baltimore Ravens have had to hire extra security for the statue of Lewis outside of M&T Bank Stadium. Lewis, of course, knelt during the national anthem before Baltimore’s game in London—an act that was…
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Pittsburgh-Area Fire Chief Resigns After Calling Mike Tomlin the N-Word on Facebook, Blames His Racism on … the Media?
If reincarnation is real, I hope that I come back as a cheetah or a jaguar or some other fast and sexy jungle cat after I die. I already enjoy yawning, taking long naps and watching Animal Planet, so I imagine the transition wouldn’t be too stark. If I cannot be one of those things,…
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W.Va. High School Taunts Inner-City Pittsburgh High School Football Team With ‘Trump Perry’ Sign
Perry Traditional Academy is a predominantly black high school, located on Pittsburgh’s North Side and a five- to seven-minute drive away from my house. My brother-in-law graduated from there last year. (He was also a first-team All-City basketball player. He can’t beat me yet, but he is pretty good.) On Friday, Perry traveled to Wellsburg,…
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Did Mike Tomlin Pull Some Black-Ass Judo With His Answer to Why the Steelers Stayed in the Locker Room?
The present-day Pittsburgh Steelers exist as a paradox. They have been led, for the last 11 years, by a black coach who was considered for the position in large part because of the Rooney Rule—a policy requiring NFL teams to interview minority candidates for coaching and upper-management positions. The rule is named after Dan Rooney—the…
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Dotard in Chief Calls the Mothers of Peaceful NFL Protesters ‘Bitches’
In an unhinged rant while stumping for Republican Sen. Luther Strange of Alabama, Darth Cheeto went Full Darth Cheeto (again) and blamed the NFL’s declining ratings on protesting and … penalties, called for protesting NFL players to be fired, and asked the crowd if they’d “love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody…
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Piers Morgan Is Allowed to Say ‘Nigga’ if We’re Allowed to Smack the Pumpkin Spice out of Him When He Does
Caucasoid Pez dispenser dipped in a vat of rancid Hellmann’s Piers Morgan asked and answered the world’s most disingenuous question yesterday in a column that addressed a clip of University of New Hampshire sorority girls singing along to Kanye West’s “Gold Digger.” Morgan, a flaccid portmanteau of Alfred from Batman and dead Andrew Breitbart, blamed…
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Types of Black Privilege, Ranked
20. Just got a fresh shape-up yesterday and everyone’s treating you like you’re a half-inch taller than you actually are privilege 19. While some niggas have to dip themselves in a vat of Palmer’s 3.5-ounce Cocoa Butter Formula every morning just to leave the house, you somehow just never get ashy privilege (an underrated privilege)…
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Is ‘Moist’ the Worst Word in the English Language? (Hint: Yes, Yes It Is)
Of the various reactions to that “black men are the whites of blacks” thing I wrote and shit yesterday, the most entertaining negative comments have been those that include the word “moist.” I’ve been, in the last 24 hours, a “moist man,” a “moist-ass motherfucker” and a “moist feminist,” and someone said something about me…
