-
I Had a Panic Attack Last Month, and It Felt Like I Was Dying
It should be good news when you learn that the episode that brought you to the emergency room at Shadyside Hospital, which is where you drove the day after you felt like you were dying, was neither a heart attack nor a stroke. You’d suspected that what happened to you might have been one of…
-
Yeah, This Joseph Goodman Piece on Alabama’s Collin Sexton Just Might Be the Shittiest Sports Take Ever
Collin Sexton is a star freshman point guard for the University of Alabama’s basketball team. He’s so good that although Oklahoma’s Trae Young has a bigger name, Sexton will probably be picked ahead of him in the NBA draft. And while Alabama had an up-and-down season this year, that they even made it to the…
-
Days Black People Are Most Likely to Be Called the N-Word, Ranked
1. St. Patrick’s Day 2. New Year’s Eve 3. Wednesday (any) 4. Columbus Day 5. The anniversary of the O.J. Simpson verdict 6. MLK Day 7. The night of a presidential election 8. Memorial Day 9. Mardi Gras 10. Black Friday 11. Saturday (any) 12. The Fourth of July 13. The first of the month…
-
The Curse of the Tiki Torch
I’m not saying that the University of Virginia will be cursed forever because of what happened last year in Charlottesville. I’m not saying that the souls of Denmark Vesey and Isabel Sanford will haunt the steps the white supremacists marched forevermore. And by “forevermore” I mean “until at least they decide to kill that goddamn…
-
My Tournament Bracket Is Busted to Shit, and Now I Just Want the World to Burn
I probably watched less college basketball this year than I ever have. Actually, “probably” is unnecessary. That is definitely true. For someone as obsessed with basketball as I am, this might seem odd. But I have a few perfectly rational reasons for this lack of viewership: The second draft of my book is due soon,…
-
When You Share Your Mess With the Public, the Public Will Share (and Talk About and Joke About) Your Mess. Duh!
During their now viral appearance on The Breakfast Club Thursday morning—and after DJ Envy pulled the greatest stunt of illogical beige rage since G Money in New Jack City—Kid Mero appeared to throw DJ Envy a bone. While admitting that husbands can (and should) be sensitive about their wives, he shared a story about chasing…
-
Pittsburgh to Replace America’s Most Racist Statue With Statue of a Black Woman
Remember this? Please, people of Pittsburgh, I implore you. Do not topple this statue. At least, not until I drive by it again so I can hug it, take a selfie with it and maybe take it on a date, too. I just hope magical Negroes love chorizo. No, you don’t remember that at all?…
-
We Can Now Add Schoolchildren to the List of People Forced to Clean Up the Mess White Men Made
The biggest surprise of being a parent so far is how often my daughter surprises me. She’s a little over 2 years old now, and it seems like every week she does or says something new that I had no idea she knew how to do or say. Yesterday morning, for instance, she noticed me…
-
The Creation of the Avocado Toast Cocktail Is the Whitest Thing That Has Ever Happened
My eyes have seen some pretty damn white things. I once saw a single speck of pepper on top of a presumably seasoned chicken breast placed on my plate at a white person’s wedding in 2003. When I quickly glanced into the serving tray to see if, perhaps, this single peppered breast was rogue, an…
-
Why I Don’t Have Any White Friends, Explained
Huh? It was when I was 17: The Pittsburgh Zoo made this big stink about getting a polar bear—press releases and parties and polar-bear-themed brunches and shit—despite the fact that they already had perfectly fine (and strikingly handsome) black and brown bears. I saw that as a metaphor for America, and I pledged to never…
