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How Racist Would You Be if Black People Could Actually Be Racist?
One of the great disappointments in my life—perhaps the greatest disappointment, really—is that black people in America do not possess the ability to be racist. We can try our damnedest and hate our hardest, but because of the way racism works, we’ll never quite be able to wield the sought-after status of “racist.” Which, in…
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20 Questions for the Heathens Who Refuse to Eat at Chain Restaurants
1. Who raised you? 2. No, seriously. Who raised you? Asking because I need to know who your parental figures are so I can reach out to them and tell them that they raised a child who acts like they’re too good for Burgatory. 3. What did Burgatory ever do to you, except offer delicious…
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Is It a Coincidence That Today’s Most Outspoken Black Male Athletes Are Married to Black Women? (Hint: Nah)
In 2005, Kanye West articulated the perceived inevitability of successful black men leaving black women for white women in “Gold Digger”—a song 1) in which he was speaking specifically to black women and 2) that he created while he was likely dating either Alexis Phifer or Brooke Crittendon (actual black women). Considering Kanye’s present life,…
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Who Said Dreams Don’t Come True? Red Lobster Debuts Lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit Waffles
Remember, like, two hours ago when I said that no one gives a shit about your dreams? Because dreams are so exclusive and hyperesoteric that they don’t have any real meaning to anyone else? Well, I take that all back! It’s all lies! Because I’ve definitely had dreams about waffles. And I’ve had dreams about…
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Things About You That No One Actually Gives a Shit About, Ranked
15. Your dreams (and not like your hopes and dreams and shit—people should care about those—but the dream you had last night about clowns and chicken-fried tofu. No one cares). 14. Your unsolicited dating preferences. 13. Your parenting advice if you’ve never had children and your marriage advice if you’ve never been married (also, it…
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The ‘Dread Train,’ Where (White) People Tie Their Dreadlocks Together, Is More Proof That White People Must Be Stopped
If you’re as big a fan of True Romance as I am—and consider it, as I do, the quintessential Tony Scott film—perhaps you’ve imagined how it would look if Drexl (the dreadlocked pimp played by Gary Oldman) and Floyd (the perpetually stoned roommate played by Brad Pitt) decided to clone themselves a dozen times, and…
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If You’re a Person Who Says ‘I Just Respect Your Vision and I Want to Build With You,’ Please Stop Doing This
Because as Luvvie articulated a few weeks ago, it is the global mantra of professional time wasters. Because it’s ice-breaking and networking jargon that doesn’t actually mean anything (no, seriously—it doesn’t mean anything). Because what the hell do you want to build? A fondue castle? A Lego playground? An Ikea bookcase? Because even if you…
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If I Wanted to See 2 70-Year-Old White Men Fight, I’d Go to Cracker Barrel This Weekend
I know, I know, I know, I know. Joe Biden is everyone’s cool and tough septuagenarian home slice. And while I’m not in the business of granting white people invites to the mythical and now waaaaaaay overcrowded cookout, I know “Uncle Joe” is on a lot of people’s invitee lists. (Also, if he is invited…
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Is It Safe Now to Admit That T’Challa Got His Ass Whooped on That Mountain Twice?
So I’m going to say something. And you can fight me if you want to. But even if you do want to fight—and I’d rather not because I’m wearing some really nice boots today and I don’t want to scuff them—it’s not going to make what I’m about to say any less true. OK, so…
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Why Are White Men So Angry?
Of course, this is a question that has been asked (and answered) myriad times already—particularly when another Charlottesville, Va., happens, or another Mark Anthony Conditt or Adam Lanza or Dylann Roof or Stephen Paddock decides, with no clear provocation, to weaponize his anger and murder people. These are men who exist in a country where…
