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I Tried Red Lobster’s Lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit Waffles and Lived to Tell About It
You know how, if you’re watching a game on TV and it happens to feature LeBron James or Tom Brady or someone else who has perfected their craft and has the prototypical body and mind for their position, the commentators might say something like, “LeBron was born to play basketball”? Well, considering all available evidence—my…
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White Woman Sentenced to 3 Years in Prison for Racist Tirade Appears in Court With … Cornrows
I do not know Vicki Momberg, the South African woman sentenced to three years in prison after her racist tirade toward a black police officer, so I won’t pretend to know why she decided to appear in court Wednesday with fresh cornrows. But I’ve got theories and suspicions! So many theories and suspicions! While in…
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We Don’t Love Men Like Fabolous. We Just Hate Women
If there’s a takeaway from the revelation of and the reaction to Fabolous’ abuse of Emily Bustamante, his longtime girlfriend and the mother of his two children, it’s that there are no fresh takeaways from it. We should know by now not to allow a man’s laid-back public persona to make us assume he’s not…
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How Racist Would You Be if Black People Could Actually Be Racist?
One of the great disappointments in my life—perhaps the greatest disappointment, really—is that black people in America do not possess the ability to be racist. We can try our damnedest and hate our hardest, but because of the way racism works, we’ll never quite be able to wield the sought-after status of “racist.” Which, in…
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20 Questions for the Heathens Who Refuse to Eat at Chain Restaurants
1. Who raised you? 2. No, seriously. Who raised you? Asking because I need to know who your parental figures are so I can reach out to them and tell them that they raised a child who acts like they’re too good for Burgatory. 3. What did Burgatory ever do to you, except offer delicious…
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Is It a Coincidence That Today’s Most Outspoken Black Male Athletes Are Married to Black Women? (Hint: Nah)
In 2005, Kanye West articulated the perceived inevitability of successful black men leaving black women for white women in “Gold Digger”—a song 1) in which he was speaking specifically to black women and 2) that he created while he was likely dating either Alexis Phifer or Brooke Crittendon (actual black women). Considering Kanye’s present life,…
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Who Said Dreams Don’t Come True? Red Lobster Debuts Lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit Waffles
Remember, like, two hours ago when I said that no one gives a shit about your dreams? Because dreams are so exclusive and hyperesoteric that they don’t have any real meaning to anyone else? Well, I take that all back! It’s all lies! Because I’ve definitely had dreams about waffles. And I’ve had dreams about…
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Things About You That No One Actually Gives a Shit About, Ranked
15. Your dreams (and not like your hopes and dreams and shit—people should care about those—but the dream you had last night about clowns and chicken-fried tofu. No one cares). 14. Your unsolicited dating preferences. 13. Your parenting advice if you’ve never had children and your marriage advice if you’ve never been married (also, it…
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The ‘Dread Train,’ Where (White) People Tie Their Dreadlocks Together, Is More Proof That White People Must Be Stopped
If you’re as big a fan of True Romance as I am—and consider it, as I do, the quintessential Tony Scott film—perhaps you’ve imagined how it would look if Drexl (the dreadlocked pimp played by Gary Oldman) and Floyd (the perpetually stoned roommate played by Brad Pitt) decided to clone themselves a dozen times, and…
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If You’re a Person Who Says ‘I Just Respect Your Vision and I Want to Build With You,’ Please Stop Doing This
Because as Luvvie articulated a few weeks ago, it is the global mantra of professional time wasters. Because it’s ice-breaking and networking jargon that doesn’t actually mean anything (no, seriously—it doesn’t mean anything). Because what the hell do you want to build? A fondue castle? A Lego playground? An Ikea bookcase? Because even if you…
